Growing Up Nicely

It’s birthday season for me, Mike, our son Ax, my baby sister Delish, my mother, and many others.  We are all, in our own ways, growing up nicely, and today I’m grateful for that. Nicely, as in, not causing a lot of suffering for others or ourselves. Not fueling our lives with chaos and unhealthy substances. Not being part of the problem, the vast majority of the time.

Speaking for myself, I tend to forget that just existing doing minimal harm to myself or others might be good enough.

Keeping the debit side of things low for long stretches of time might be the best I can do.

And I could decide it’s good enough. I could stop, just stop, wishing to be better or different or more this or less that. I could forgive myself, finally, for not being what I could have been. I could love myself for what I am. Not in a holding space for becoming something different or better than I am kind of way. But in an “You are so precious and valuable just as you are” kind of way.

When I look at my kid, my sister, my mother, even Mike, I can get there. And those people, in particular, are each very much invested in helping others in various ways. They are more than net neutral in the grand scheme. But you know what? So am I!

I am more than net neutral, objectively. I just don’t give myself credit or see it the same way as I do in other people. Maybe this year, maybe right now, or just for this one second, I can feel that for myself and be free of the endless seeking for validation, for soothing, from externals that I know don’t quell that noise. That egoic self-dissatisfaction that gets so in the way of being useful, of enjoying what there is to be enjoyed while I’m here. I’m gonna keep going.