Balance it out with Quiet

My brain is programmed to think that if I’m not doing, I’m not doing. But this week, aside from kitten chaos, it’s been pretty slow.

I’ll admit, there have been daytime naps. I’ve cancelled plans. I’ve call-screened. I’ve binge watched shows while googling what kind of kitty litter is best (the kind I’m already using). I’ve cried, sometimes in public. I’ve allowed myself to be alone.

My girlfriend Leilani was supposed to come to dinner tonight with me and some girlfriends. She called and, because I know her, I answered the phone, “I’m getting on a thing but just wanted to answer because it’s you — are you in or out for tonight?”

“I’m out,” she said, perhaps a touch sheepish.

“Ok, I get it, all good,” I said. Because I did get it and it was all good. I’d never want a friend to overdo.

“Can we talk later?” She said.

“Yes, I’ll call ya later.”

And so when I called her back I was like, “Is there some kind of astrological Armageddon going on or what?”

And she was like, “Yes, for like the past four years.”

We laughed and I said I just didn’t know what was going on, I’m so tired but also amped but also, heavy, but also napping.

“What’s going on with you?” I asked, hoping, maybe fishing, for camaraderie in the vortex.

“Nothing really, I’m just balancing it out with quiet.” And her words struck me as so useful. Like, ya!

Balancing it out with quiet sounds so much better than “Being an unproductive lazy piece of s-it,” which is my self-talk when I’m in this mode. Or, “spiraling into depression,” or, isolating, procrastinating, experiencing hormonal, neuro chemical, emotional, astrological crisis of some kind.

There is no crisis. It’s been a big year, month, life. It’s summer and I’ve been off duty. I’m not a patient — I’m human. I’m cyclical. I’m balancing it out with quiet. 

And I’m writing beyond the blog! And I’m looking for a few accountability partner/cheerleader volunteers for the Fall. I’m gonna keep going.