Not that Bad vs. Fabulous

My friend Tallisandra complains about her husband, her kids, her finances, her weight, and pretty much everyone in her life a lot of the time. Talli says she has no time for my mood boosters or self care woo woo crap because she’s busy life-ing, and besides, it’s not that bad.

I love Talli, but I hate that she’s settling for “not that bad” as how much she can enjoy her life. And to be clear: I am not blaming or criticizing her. I remember when “not that bad” was actually way better than I felt most of the time — when “not that bad” would have been a good day for me.

And back then I short-changed myself the same way Talli short-changes herself. I thought being too busy and overwhelmed was how “good” people were supposed to feel. And I wanted to be a good person.

In a way I’m glad to have had the experience of decades of aspiring to feeling “not that bad” as a goal. Because now that “pretty good most of the time,” is my default state, with even, even, a decent sprinkling of “fabulous,” I know it’s possible for Talli to get there too.

If she wants to, when she’s ready to give it a whirl. Because she is a good person, and so was I, even though I didn’t feel like I deserved to enjoy my life. Didn’t know joy was even on the menu. I needed to be told. Many times.

For me, once the decision was made that I wasn’t okay feeling not that bad on my best days or better days, and fairly vexed and/or stressed and/or pissed and/or miserable and/or plagued by my own thoughts and/or exhausted and defeated the rest of the time, it was like, “Oh crap now what?”

And then, a bunch of seeking — helpers and teachers and places and identities and messes, and then, smooth-ish sailing. For years. And it’s been worth it.

Today the baseline okay-ness that once seemed out of reach for me is where I generally live. And when I’m not there I notice, I know what it takes to get that nose of the plane up above the clouds, and I do it.

And I’m back in blue sky life where it’s sunny and lovey and I don’t need to be a grouchy B or isolate or numb myself for refuge from a life that doesn’t bring me joy, because it does. I’m gonna keep going.   

P.S. What change have you made that’s been a plus?