H.A.L.T. for the Holidays

Around this time of year I historically start bracing myself for the one- two- punch of seasonal affect disorder as days grow shorter and darker and a flurry of forced merriment and socializing arises that triggers my not-good-enough-itis, which I used to overcome by being the life of the party.

After decades of study, therapy, and all kinds of woo woo personal growth stuff, I am pleased to announce I am actually — well — not looking forward to holiday season, but not dreading it either …. Progress!

To avoid a meltdown, blowup, stress cold, or burnout during the holidays, let me share with you my #1 basic self-preservation tip to set myself up for success when the outside demands start to climb: Make sure I don’t get into HALT.

H is for Hungry. When I’m hungry, my brain is operating on low mojo, and the extra erranding, extra people, extra smiling that holiday season demands require me to be in an optimal state to handle it.

For me, taking the time to make sure I get breakfast, lunch, and dinner, at regular times, in regular amounts, plus some “treats” that help my mojo (fruit, protein) more than harm it (sugar, alcohol) are key.

A is for Angry, but I think of it as any elevated/activated heightened emotional state. For me, the holiday season elevates my baseline of emotionality in general, the colder weather, but also the awareness that I live far from family, and that my family “doesn’t look like” the ideal family — even though I’m grateful for my family, and I know I’m lucky to even have people I love who love me in my life, there’s this low-level sense that other people are somehow having more fun somewhere else or that I could be providing a better holiday experience for my kid, my parents, my community.

Apparently I am not alone, because my former husband who has spent a lifetime in 9–1–1 services says the highest number of calls is not Halloween or New Year’s Eve, but Christmas Eve. Let’s face it: A lot of us don’t have lives that look like the happy family calendar and this time of year highlights that.

So, with our baselines raised by unrealistic expectations, we add on MORE interactions with family, friends, and acquaintances, MORE off-routine bedtimes, nutritional detours, more emotional kerosene drugs and alcohol, and basically enter social pressure cookers hoping not to explode or implode.

What do I do to take charge and feel better given all this? NOTICE and ACKNOWLEDGE — it takes seconds, but it can change everything. Saying to myself, “Even though I wasn’t invited to the party I have friends who love me and I’m going to enjoy my evening.” Or, “Even though I was invited to the party I can politely say no and stick to my bedtime and they will still like me, or not.” Really helps me stay in logical reality rather than emotionally hijacked/depleted state.

Notice the Anger and other Emotions, acknowledge them, and gently get back into reality — Feelings aren’t Facts. Given the situation is what it is, what can I do to feel better (that won’t leave me feeling worse)?

L is for Lonely — Loneliness is as or more harmful to our health than smoking, and it’s definitely harmful to my sense of wellbeing. For all the reasons above, risk of lonliness is high during this time. My old solution was to surround myself with people and always have social plans. That didn’t work. The loneliest place is being surrounded by acquaintances, and keeping that up left me both lonely and tired.

Learning how to enjoy my own company, how to enjoy being alone without being lonely, is a journey, but it’s very rewarding. I also love phone dates with good friends and schedule those so the busy-ness of the season and regular life doesn’t stand in the way of my relationships with people I really want to connect with.

Another good loneliness cure for me is calling other people, asking how they are, then just listening. That often leaves me feeling full of connection — without having to get dressed up!

T is for Tired. I’m over the weird status of walking around tired, overworked, overscheduled, and overstressed. Depriving myself of biologically necessary sleep and rest in the interest of accomplishing — what — another Netflix episode? A reply to an email where no one will die if it happens tomorrow, or the next day? is not what I’m willing to do anymore.

My biggest hurdles to being well-rested are: 1) overdoing it during the day, and 2) underdoing it during sleep and rest time.

I am continually adjusting my goals for what I can get done in a day. I struggle with accepting that my capacity at this stage is not what it once was even though I know I can either fight that reality and be tired and miserable or go with it and feel better, which helps those around me feel better too.

I also need to remember that what I imagine I used to have the capacity for in the past wasn’t really accurate — I accomplished a lot, but at the expense of my relationships, health, and happiness. Today I’m not willing to make those trades because it’s not a good deal.

The second part of the being well-rested equation — allowing myself to sleep, I’ve got down pretty well. I have a bedtime, a wake-up time, a bedtime routine, a wake-up routine (30 seconds maybe, but a routine). I get good sleep the vast majority of nights and wake up refreshed. I’m grateful for that because so many people struggle with sleep.

It’s taken me a bit to figure out the sleep “recipe” that works for me, but the mood-boosting benefits are huge. There’s a reason sleep deprivation is a torture method.

I’m done torturing myself while preaching love and kindness to others. Being tired makes it really hard to actually be loving and kind to myself and others, and isn’t that really what the holiday season is all about? I’m gonna keep going.

Ps. Please share your mood booster go-to’s in the comments!