Not Dead Yet!

Soon after I got everything I  thought I ever wanted, loving husband, baby, house, career, I got very sick. In the course of that near-fatal illness I was put on prescription painkillers.

After I got off the prescription painkillers I started drinking a lot more than I had ever before. More volume, more frequency. Was it the painkillers? Was it the being a stay at home mom? Was it the stopping work due to illness and mom-ing? Was it the, “great now I have what I thought I wanted all this time and I’m still not satisfied-itis?” I don’t know the why, I just know the is.

And the is was that at the age of 42 I was drinking and smoking pot more than socially, more than was helpful to showing up as the mother, wife, friend, worker, person I wanted to show up as, and trying to cut down or stop on my own wasn’t working.  In my circles they refer to people like me as “late bloomers.”

I was sick, a little body sick and a lot soul sick. But I was not dead yet. And I looked for help and help found me and I haven’t had a drink or hit or any anything in over nine years.  More importantly, I feel (mostly) good about how I’ve showed up in my relationships and roles with others during that time.

One of the things I’ve learned is that if I want to enjoy a kind of pleasant relationship with myself and others I don’t get to compare my outputs to other people’s.  I don’t get to compare my income to other people’s. I don’t get to compare my thighs, my face, my accomplishments, my sleep needs, caloric needs, or any other needs to other people’s.

And there are a lot of opportunities to compare/despair.  Especially when lying in bed, still sick, after two weeks, without the usual life distractions. But today, I am grateful, really, for the ability to see how in my head and obsessive I can get stone cold sober.

And I’m grateful I have a community of people to nod and say, “Oh, yeah, I have that too.” And I can look at them, and their families, and their lives, and think, “a pleasantish life is actually pretty awesome.” And I can set my aspirations accordingly, remember just this breathing in and out (yes I’m getting better!) is a gift, remember I’m alive to feel all the feelings and no yuck feelings need to be denied or submerged — and neither do the joyful ones.

I’m not all the way better, and I sure would like to be. But I’m also not dead yet. Hallelujah! I’m gonna keep going.