Even Keel

I’m officially sick again, back on meds. These days I travel in California woo woo circles where people say things like, “I guess gd wants you to pause,” or “I wonder what your body is trying to tell you?”

I have effing pneumonia people. It might just be a bacterial infection, not a message from the heavens.

But of course, I’ll get analytical on it. I’ll go woo. Like, “Oh man once again I got myself spinning in not enough itis and then smacked down to humility.” Like, Oh, the lungs, the seat of respiration ie spirit, so I have a spiritual affliction like I’m sad because overwhelmed because Ax becoming teenager and his dad and I getting divorced and me 53 years old still trying to figure out what I’m going to be when I grow up and …. Well shit, I knew all that without the coughing.

So I’ve been in this spin a number of times - devoted readers may have had inklings, or not - the spin of “I could do x,y,z, different or better than I do now, or I could just he content with what I do now, count that, and move on.”

It doesn’t matter. No one cares but me, and at this point, stuffy, with a cat on my lap, I’m not sure I even care. The spin is so painful and unpleasant though. It’s like a “make it stop” moment — and it’s all self-generated.

So what I’ve been trained to do to make it stop is pray and meditate and call someone else. Hydrate. Know it will pass. Not go for the external fix. Not launch an empire, enroll in grad school, and definitely not have a drink to take the edge off. It’s so undramatic. But it works to keep an even keel, over time. If that’s the goal. And, it is. I’m gonna keep going.