Holiday Mantras/Nice Shirt, Great Food!

I’m gearing up for interactions with family, friends, and new people over this holiday season. My strategy is to show up where I’m expected, not make a mess, and be pleasant. People like getting softball questions and compliments.  I can do that.

“What are you cooking these days, when you cook?”

“Nice shirt!”

“These dolmas are delicious!”

Where I get into trouble is when I really like or love someone who is maybe suffering in some way and I want to help them even though they haven’t asked for my help. I’ve been taught that all — ALL — unsolicited advice, counsel, insight, assistance is received as criticism.

Would I criticize a person - especially a person when they are down? No! I would not. And YET that is the essential effect when I offer solutions, options, or jollying with looking-on-the-bright-side reframes.

No one wants or needs that. It can be very very hard to resist this urge of mine to “help” others but I’m convinced that the less I try to fix, solve, or facilitate anyone else’s stuff - without their express permission or request - the better off everyone is, including me.

I get to relax, enjoy folks as they are, be there, say things like, “That sounds hard,” as appropriate. Say things like, “You’re not alone,” or, “Sounds reasonable to me.” I can smile, give hugs, and even keep my mouth shut and just listen.

Then I can see to whoever’s glass needs filling and compliment the host’s parakeet. Game on. I’m gonna keep going.

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