Party Killer - This is 51
It’s getting grim when even I, the extrovert summer baby sun’s out buns out person is like, “Maybe Netflix in bed alone this year.” I don’t like the covid, I don’t like the hostile vibes, I don’t like feeling like I’m doing this pandemic thing differently from other people I love. So I’m taking my ball and staying home. I’m too embarrassed to show up doing what I need to do to honor my beliefs about what will keep me and my family safe and healthy in this time.
Eff That!!!! At least for now, with current knowledge, there’s stuff I can do to stay safe and stay social, be in the world. It’s not the same. It’s not “as good”. I don’t like thinking about it. I don’t like feeling other. I don’t like showing up as a “maskhole” or being told I’m wearing a “face diaper,” or being told about “tons of research” that says team mask is the wrong team.
A couple of things that have actually happened to me: A) At a friend’s (outdoor) wedding. When the party moved inside I masked up for dancing and hit the floor ready to boogie. A guy I’d been chatting with earlier said, jovially, “Are you trying to kill the party?”
I took my mask off. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to kill the party. I AM the effing party! And I made an assessment: big open windows, everyone tested, not that crowded, high ceilings, okay, I’ll play those odds. And I danced. Unmasked. And it was scary, and it was awesome. And then I came home to my family and felt guilty, felt contrition that I broke our family commitment to mask inside, felt the horrible weight of choosing my personal pleasure over my child’s well-being, did some masking and distancing from them for days to earn back the right to hug them, felt relief I didn’t get it. And then I recommitted.
B) The other day, getting out of my car I masked up to go inside a restaurant to pick up take-out. I bumped into a girlfriend I hadn’t seen in a while, eating there. She greeted me with squeals, a hug, and a the exclamation, “When I saw you walk in I thought ‘who’s this asshole in a mask?’” The words hit like a punch. But on the outside, I laughed. Ha ha ha. I love her, and that hurt. I don’t blame her, but I wonder when it became okay to say this stuff to each other out loud?
It’s tough. I’ve done a lot of work to not show up in the world looking like a weirdo, feeling like a weirdo. I want to fit in, even after everything. I want more than to fit in, actually. I want to be loved and show love and connect and embrace you and embrace life, and feel part of the human community. These days, I want to do all that while wearing a face mask inside.
I don’t have a solution. I was surrounded by virtual love yesterday. I am so lucky. And I am lonely AF and sick of this shit. As are many of us - the people who mask and the ones who don’t. Maybe part of my growing up this year will be the courage to show up feeling like a weirdo in a face mask. Maybe I do need to kill the old party of wanting to be like everyone else and needing everyone else to agree with me to feel okay. Maybe the new party looks like me being okay even if you’re not, me bringing the love and the good vibes out there even if you’re not. Obvi, it’s better together. It’s better if you smile back when I try to engage with you or smile at you in my mask. You don’t like it, you don’t agree with it, you think I’m an idiot, or maybe contagious. My masked existence reminds you that maybe you’re not doing the right thing. I don’t want to represent any of that.
Please, let’s just stop being mean to each other — long live that party, the kindness party — I am and you are doing the best we can. We know that. I know that. I’m gonna keep going.
www.livingeveryminuteofit.com
