Inner Light On

To top it all off, the clocks are changing tonight.  Historically less light = less good for me.  it’s been a real thing, even in California.  When the weather gets colder and the sunshine is not as bright or as plentiful as in the Summer, my baseline mood goes down, or rather, gets more challenging to keep up.  

So, as person who is moody even when the weather is perfectly perfect, this year I’ve been plotting and scheming about how to keep my inner light stoked.

My first thought was we could move to Australia.  Or somewhere else white beaches and turquoise water.  Mike says he’ll go anywhere as long as it’s driving distance to San Francisco and San Diego.  He’s flexible like that.

So since moving is out for now, my brain thinks maybe: more hosting, lunches, dinners, hikes, a sun lamp, day trips, smaller vacations to warm places, get another dog, take more baths, eat more chocolate, wear white clothing, plan outdoor parties (but covid! but cold!), and on and on with the chasing okayness through external solutions.  

And then I remember … I don’t need to be afraid of my feelings.  I don’t need to be scared to be how I am, a cyclical creature in a cyclical universe.  

I can do that quiet breathing while being quiet thing that helps me feel less desperate to escape the more muted state of being this season brings.  

It’s a time for soup and coziness and maybe a bit more sleep.  It’s not depression,  it’s Winter, and it’s okay that I’m not as perky as I am in Summer.  It’s a good time for books, blankets, snuggling, and gratitude.  

I don’t need to run around trying to prevent what I know is coming, what always comes, every year, and what so far I’ve always survived.  Maybe knowing that, I can be with it, ride it out, and stay connected to the people who love me — Summer me, Winter me, whatever me.  And maybe this year that will be the fix, that I’ll be able to stay connected to my own inner light — appreciate that it is burning, always, even when it feels down and dim, and I get to experience that state of being, be curious about it or even enjoy it.  I can fight the Winter mood or befriend it but so far I haven’t been able to change it.  So I don’t know what this year will bring and I’m more okay with that than I’ve been before, which feels something like progress.  I’m gonna keep going.

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