Oh No!!!! (I Mean, Thanks!!!)

So when this whole pandemic thing started and we decided to keep Ax home from school I thought, “Oh no!!!! How will he survive without seeing his friends all the time???”

Now that he’s going to get vaccinated and we’re planning to send him back to school I’m thinking, “Oh no!!!! How will he adjust to being with so many people and losing his solitude during the day???”  

Back then, when Mike said he’d be working from home for weeks, maybe even months, I thought, “Oh no!!! How are we gonna survive with so much togetherness???” And now starting soon it sounds like his road life will be picking up and I’m thinking “OH Nooooooo!!! How are we gonna survive being apart???”

And what I mean by how will we survive, really, is how will I survive.  Let’s be real:  They might hit some bumps but basically,  my husband and my kid both have nutty amounts of adaptability and inner calm.  They’re in the present, going with the flow kind of people.

Me, some days I feel held together only by prayer and the need to show up for others, for the two of them especially.  My default setting is that whatever is coming will be a disaster (for me) and it’s my job, and mine alone, to prevent the next disaster that surely is coming. 

What keeps happening though is that life keeps serving me up new stuff that is sometimes tough, sometimes suboptimal, but so far, non-fatal, and I keep getting through it.  

If Mike goes back on the road, and my kid goes back to full time school, what will my job be?  Who will I be?  Will I be okay?  Will they, really?

Default answer: Oh No! Heck no!

And then it’s like, “Oh right, hello brain, hello Evie, you gave me OH NO at every turn this past year and a half and look: We’re still here. We adapted to the negatives, we enjoyed unanticipated positives, we faced fears and losses and we grieved and we kept going. We’re getting through this time and maintaining our relatively conservative pandemic safety protocols and soon our kid will be fully vaccinated and therefore a lot less likely to die from this thing, which is what we’ve been hoping for and praying for and holding out for.”

So when I stop thinking “Oh, no,” I realize, what I’m really feeling, really, right now is: “Thank you universe, thank you researchers, virologists, and all the people everywhere who have made this possible.  Thank you for the opportunity to learn, again, that life is unfolding, I’m not in charge, and I get to greet new circumstances however I choose.”  Today is a very very good day.  I’m gonna keep going.

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