Eff the Fly and Eat the Trout Salad

First, the gastronomic update:  I am back on coffee and back on fish as well as occasional, itty bitty amounts of dairy.  Like if I order a salad that has feta in it I don’t say “hold the feta.”  But I’m still soymilk, non-dairy Ben & Jerry’s.  I’m pretty sure the fish is helpful.  The coffee and dairy cons (jitters, crashes, indigestion) seem to outweigh the pros (hello, tasty!!!) but I’m doing them anyway, for now.  But consciously.  :) So that’s that aspect. 

Next, I’m getting what my grandfather-by-choice calls “re-sent messages” in relation to the whole “how much is enough?” issue, aka: the not-enough-itis issue, aka: perfectionism, self-doubt, second-guessing, lack of faith, imposter syndrome, overdoing it, winners never quit type mentality.  Maybe you’ve got a different name for it.  That thing, which for me stands like an electric fence between me and inner peace, serenity, joy, contentment with the is-ness of myself, my life, and those around me.  What would it feel like if it were okay as it is, if I were okay as I am? 

By contrast - this chatter:  If I could be, if they could be, if it could be, if that scenario could be just a little more or different or like this THEN I’d feel SO MUCH better.  But that chatter is not my friend.  For a long time I thought it was but now I realize it’s not because that pushing for different is not how the whole feeling better enterprise actually works for me.  

And I know that — I know it! — because every time I try to add just a bit more, or be a bit different, I wind up with less of what actually matters most to me: My ability to stay grounded, connected, present for my life, my family, and my community, to stay out of deadly fight or flight stress, or even inconvenient, unpleasant suboptimal physical, mental or spiritual health.  In summary, pushing, for me = bad.

For me I feel better when I realize I am exactly how I am, and I’m doing the best I can — this is it — and it’s fine! It is what it is, I can trust that I’m doing my best without pushing beyond.  My inner critic Evie or whoever judge-y judge-erson I’m conjuring and battling internally is more a fly at my picnic than God.  Yeah, that desire, that more-itis is there, and like a fly I’m not into it, but I can’t do all that much about it so I’m gonna have a nice time anyway.  If I make my whole picnic about getting rid of the fly, or appeasing the fly (!) it’s gonna be a bad picnic.  

And so eff the fly and eat the trout salad.  Life is fleeting, we’re all gonna die, we don’t know when, and I want to live fully and enjoy what there is to be enjoyed while I still can.  I’m gonna keep going.

www.livingeveryminuteofit.com

www.combatcovidstress.com

For my friend Suki who didn’t think I could work trout salad into a blog. Ha!