My Spouse is not my Inner Critic/Choices

So, every once in a while, I realize that I’ve responded to my spouse as if he’s told me I am a spendthrift, irresponsible, worthless, greedy, bad person, when all he said was, “You got your hair done again?”And what he meant was, “You got your hair done again?”

And what I heard was, “Jeez woman do you think you’re a Kardashian or something? Why does an unemployed stay-at-home quasi-quarantined homeschool mom need her hair done — ever!?!?  Not to mention your eco-hypocrisy and non-sisterhood-y internalized youth fetish hiding your natural hair color, whatever that is!”

And so if I’m not alert for what I’m projecting onto him (Evie, my evil inner critic), what I’ll say is something like, “I’m sorry honey  I’ll wait longer between appointments next time!”  (Bad girl apologetic mode)

Or, “Sheesh this is something really important to me and I turned fifty and I want to look good and all I wear is ten year old black leggings and you get to buy all those books and Grateful Dead t-shirts and sheesh!” (Defense/Offense, threatened/attack mode, Princess Wah Wah style) 

Or, “What do you mean by that?” (Defense/offense, I’ll-Kill-You-With-One-Look style)

But, if I’m operating on full steam, connected with my humanity and my husband’s humanity, feeling our sacred connection and partnership, in touch with my powerful true vulnerable self, I might say something like:

“I feel kind of guilty spending money on my hair but I feel fantastic with this new ‘do — I think we can afford it, do you?” (Articulating inner concern/asking for reality check in a way that doesn’t make him the bad cop)

Or, “Yes.  Do you love it?” (Setting him up for success mode). Or, “Thanks for noticing - I hope you like it as much as I do!”  (Appreciation + inviting desired response mode)

Or, “Yes! Thank you for getting it for me and thank you for being an amazing breadwinner!” (Gratitude rather than guilt).

And I’ve noticed that what I say and how I react to him does have an impact on what he says and on how he feels and how he reacts to me, and then that has an impact on how I feel and so on and so on and so on.  

And so, what I’ve learned is, if I’m feeling like my beloved thinks I’m terrible and reacting from that place — it’s a good time to stop, check in, get feedback, and get out of guilt and into appreciation.  And if something is going on - if I’m doing something that really does warrant feeling regret then I get to apologize and do what I can to repair, modify, or correct that thing. And then we keep going.  So far that system is working well. I’m gonna keep going.  

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p.s. Happy 16th Anniversary babe and thank you for the new hairdo! I hope you like it 😍