In-Source Me

I’ve been outsourcing my well-being for as long as I can remember. I did it in the womb, outsourcing my bodily needs to my mother. At some point, I came out, and continued to outsource my okayness, to parents, to the external world. And then, tweendom, teendom, the typical time for learning to in-source, to make mistakes and learn from them, to survive, and grow up, and develop some kind of inner sense of direction, faith.

I didn’t do that too well. Instead, I starved myself. Instead, I drowned my feelings in boys, studies, working out, trying to be perfect, trying to get it right, to please others. I see it happening now with some of my tween son’s friends (mostly the girls), this external need for validation and direction that overrides whatever inner sense of self might take root, grow, and bloom. The desire to drive towards a specific kind of bloom, a specific flower, rather than feed the soil and see what happens.

So I’m doing that now. Tending the inner garden. Relying less on the external chorus of advisors, monitors, and mirrors. Paying attention to what enlivens, to what works, for me. Seeing what wants to grow from this big loving heart of mine. Following that, developing faith in the inner guide. I’m gonna keep going.

www.livingeveryminuteofit.com