Rest and Work Back up to Capacity
A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctor to figure out what the eff was wrong with me physically, like, why still so low energy and long napping during the day? She gave me the then-baffling and infuriating advice: “You were very sick. You need to let your body heal and rest, but also work back up to full capacity.”
This instruction felt like one of those inscrutable koans - like, what is the sound of one hand clapping? Let myself rest AND work back to full capacity? Like, at the same time.
I had figured out what rest meant, which took some doing, or rather un-doing, of the urge to over-do, given the radically reduced capacity of illness. For me, rest and healing looked like getting into actual bed and closing my eyes. Letting people who asked if they could do anything actually do things, like bring me food and then go away/not visit. Letting other people walk the dog. Thankfully I have people and thankfully I’ve learned how to let them help me rather than suffer alone.
So that was phase one. Now I’m in this new phase which is, technically better, but not like, better better. Like I can do stuff in the morning but I’m too tired to do anything else in the afternoon. Anything else, like, talk on the phone or errand or anything. I still need to go horizontal after 1pm and then have enough energy for school pick up, kid dinner, bedtime.
It could be a mood-killer. I went out in the evening for the first time in months the other day. I rested more than usual to gear up for it, then I left early, because tired.
So I’ve got the rest part down. The working my way up to full capacity part - which my full capacity is fairly active and energized - is not something I’ve got a lot of practice at. In the past I’ve mostly gone zero to sixty then backslid or injured myself repeatedly until, I don’t know. I’ve never been this low mojo for this long quite this way. In fact, this me in this body with this history has zero practice at what’s indicated now. It’s completely new.
Yesterday I went to my first yoga class in over two months, a long time for me. Yoga has been one of my preferred re-centering mindbody uplevel-ers, but it is physical, and I do like doing it with other people, so it’s not a sick time thing. I took it easy and slow, in an easy and slow class with my favorite teacher who’s seen me in many phases of physical and mental fitness, skinny and fat, pregnant and not, happy and sad, and all the in-betweens.
I was overwhelmed to return to the space and practice in a totally different body, different mindset, from last time I was there. I got to feel how depleted, stiff, spasm-y, and unfit I’d become. I got to be kind to myself, allow others to see me not how I wanted to be seen, and receive. I know a few people with long covid or various lingering illnesses, I just never thought I’d be one of them. I’m gonna keep going.
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