Queen Woo Woo

Yesterday, in bed, feeling depleted, depressed, unwell, and doing that internal berating myself for having overridden my tiredness, for having allowed myself to stress over this thing that was so not a thing — having allowed myself to stress at all — when I’ve got all the woo woo and western tools fully loaded to not stress, to de-stress, to drop it like it’s hot, drop drop drop.  I AM SASCHA, QUEEN OF WOO!

But I, the Queen of Woo, managed to override my own physical cues and mental cues and stress myself all the way physically sick, downed.  And then I crushed myself even more — in my mind — about getting stressed and sick, and about stressing about getting stressed and sick, when I knew that internal self-flagellation was just piling on more, stress upon stress, pain on pain, and not the way out.  No.  

I visualized a kind and loving energy hugging me, sending me healing vibes, but I pushed it away.  “I am enough, I do enough, I have enough,” I chanted, but with the tone of a vicious football coach.  “Heal, you piece of worthless crap!!!”

I knew enough to not spiral alone — and to all the people I called this week to say:  “I’m fucking sad!!!” Thank you for answering the phone.  The birds are chirping the flowers are blooming the sun is shining I am loved and grateful and lucky and last week I fell into — walked into — that dark, sad ashamed place where I am alone and lonely and fat and repulsive and hiding and cold, even while my real-life loved ones show up, send me memes, do all the stuff. 

I have the love, I have the stuff, and I have this thing, this head thing, that becomes a body thing, that snowballs and pulls me down every now and then.  And it can be pretty harsh.  

But here’s why I’m awesome. Even though my head was not in the rest and recharge game I took the action of resting and recharging.  Even though my brain told me to get in bed and hide and not let anyone see me until I could come out whole and pink and bedazzled and fluffy, I went to my meetings.  I called people and out-ed my sad self.  I ate breakfast.  I tried a new meditation technique.  I pushed fluids.  I cried.  I declined invitations.  I patted Brownie.  A lot. I answered the phone for others.

And today, just like that, I am almost all the way better in my body, and I’m able to see the sun and see myself.  Not a queen, not a piece of shit.  Just here, like the birds, the flowers, the oceans, and everything in nature, I ebb and flow and am allowed to, designed to, be imperfect.  I’m gonna keep going.