Keepin’ It Tight
What I’ve learned is I have no idea what’s going on out there. I don’t get to try to solve or even really help with what’s going on out there and stay okay in here, within me. I’ve locked it down. Or, as I told my girlfriend Missy, “I’m keepin it tight,” which I think might be a kind of ladyparts porny type expression, but in my case means not seeing people live except outside and avoiding going indoors anywhere. When I am indoors it’s N95. Keepin it tight sounds much cooler than locking it down. Much cooler.
I’m used to it. I’ve been keepin it tight since this thing began. 24/7 home with the husband, the kid, the dog, all together, all the time. Homeschool, remote work. Only the dog has gotten to really frolic and play with friends in a pre-COVID way. She and her kind are lucky that way. Though there was that week when the Tiger at the Bronx zoo got the virus and we thought about cancelling the dog park too.
We just don’t want this thing. I don’t want it. We’re doing all the things, the vax, the boost, the No share air. We’re lucky. We get to.
The hardest times have been when I had hope that maybe we would be able to loosen up, but then before we even did new information, new data, conflicted with our basis for loosening and so we continued to just keep going this way.
We’ve changed some family protocols from the beginning based on new knowledge as things evolve. Some have gotten less restrictive — no more disinfecting groceries! Yay — some more restrictive — N95 for inside required.
Early on I learned that what other people do is not something I can afford to worry about too much. I share some information on Facebook, people who know me generally know we are a Zoom family.
My son said he was happy but spent a lot of time alone in his room on a screen which scared the shit out of me over the last year and a half. Now that he’s old enough to be vaccinated we’ve allowed him to go back to live school, what he calls social school, in his N95.
The other kids seem to wear saggy cloth low riders. My husband shared an article with the principal who shared it with the school about why those masks aren’t protective. When I saw the post go out with the principal crediting my husband I got scared the other parents would burn us at the stake. But so far that hasn’t happened.
I feel so fucking alone most of the time even though I’m constantly reaching out and staying connected on zoom and the phone. I can’t afford to wish for it to be over, for it to be different, or I will drown in dissatisfaction and self-pity.
So I attend my daily Zoom groups, do my bits of virtual service, focus on breakfast, lunch, dinner, dog walk, kid care, repeat. I keep it tight and then I don’t need to feel like the world is ending and we’re all gonna die sooner than I’d like, before we get that last trip to Italy with my mom, before I get to hug my dad and stepmom again. So that’s what’s working for me. Really well. I’m gonna keep going.
