Need More Everything Now, or Maybe Much Less?
A friend of mine, Joe, when I’m in internal debate mode, often stops when there’s a break in the patter and will say something like, “What do you need right now?” And dang if a lot of the time I don’t have a clue. I just know I’m spinning, not as much as I used to, but more than I’d like to, and it’s uncomfortable. Spinning in discomfort, weighing options, optimizing scenarios, in fear/manager gear.
So being more comfortable in the world moment by moment is, to me, a fascinating and worthy goal. Ditching fear/manager and settling into serene fellow traveler, especially with my family.
And so much of the time — and maybe it’s a rehash of what I’ve said before but I’m chewing this theme fully these days because it feels like perhaps the crux of something, the key to something, kinda significant to me — so much of the time what I actually need is to take one or more deep breaths, come to stillness, come to rest for a moment in gratitude for the reality: I’m okay, it’s okay, they’re okay. I can, I get to, make small adjustments to myself or my own routine - in connection with those around me - to line up my experience to what I need more appropriately.
Or not, as I choose. But if I choose not to then cursing the situation I haven’t changed, trying to solve the unsolvable having-cake-and-eating-it-too thing, is self-inflicted suffering. And I’m not into that. I’m into helping myself enjoy what there is to be enjoyed, and helping others. In that order, the only order that seems to work consistently over time.
And when I get quiet, still, stop spinning, I’ll often realize it doesn’t need to be a total overhaul - new house, new career, new family, new town. Maybe like one more park yoga and a friend brunch a week. Maybe a weekend workshop to look forward to 6 months from now. Maybe a hug from my beloved, who if he’s in a good mood will say, “great post honey,” and if he’s feeling depleted or hungry or tired himself will say, “I read you want a new family WTF babe?” And then I’ll get all apologetic and sad and he’ll get all apologetic and sad and then we’ll recover but sheesh I could just delete that line amd skip it but I don’t want to because it’s true, it’s real, and I can’t be the only one who has drastic thoughts. And the man I married is man enough to love me and my drastic thoughts anyway. Otherwise we’d be screwed.
And so I want to normalize the drastic thoughts, and the coming back from them to a fuller, more loving, more enjoyable way of being. And getting adept at that.
So anyway it’s back-to-school for our kid, and maybe for myself, and the spin cycle is available. But this time, this year, I’m going to give this other thing a whirl. The really noticing — what are my actual fears? Are they actually happening? Are any of the potential catastrophes real or even imminent? Does anyone actually need me to be better or different from how I am? Do I actually need them to be different from how they are?
And then it’s like - phew - that’s a no. No catastrophes happening now. Just choices, stuff to be experienced however I choose to experience it, when I remember to stop, breathe, and remember. This life is a gift. This one, all of it. I’m gonna keep going.
www.livingeveryminuteofit.com
www.combatcovidstress.com
