Whirl Girl
So right, inhale, exhale, sit, breathe, be. Done. Wait no, okay, okay, sit. Sit, stay. Breathe in one two three. Out one two three. In one two three. Out one two three. Again?
Ok: “Universe please help me write something useful for myself and others.”
Breathe in, two, three, four; Out, two, three, four.
I’ve started nine billion plus posts since my last one but not given myself the space to complete any of them. There’s been a kind of busy-ness flare up for which I’m sure there are many good reasons, and I’ve allowed myself to run, like a kite in the wind pulling out string, and I’ve been flying, up in the air, way out there, enjoying the seeming untethered-ness, the unexamined doing and being and producing and scheduling and breakfast, lunch, dinner, zooming of this time in history, this time in the history of me.
The pandemic pass. Just keep going, survive, soothe, repeat.
And so I didn’t force, haven’t forced myself to sit, stay, write, post, even though in the larger, the longer history of me that has been a key ingredient to my sustained joyful living.
And so for whatever reason, it’s been a while. Long enough. And I know one reason. One reason is that during this time, this time of hardship and fear and real world problems for so many people it seems bizarre to, wrong to, be having arguably the longest run of serene contentment possibly ever in the history of me. It’s embarrassing, like if I’m not upset then I’m not paying attention kind of thing.
And the other reason is I’m not sure, I’m really not sure, how my telling you how fabulous I feel can be useful to you? Like if you’re there too then I guess it could be nice to have someone else be like, “Ya, you’re not nuts, one option is to be feeling pretty okay most of the time, even now.”
But, like, if you’re not there, like for so much of my life I was not there, and for so many people I know who are not there, I wonder if it’s helpful at all to hear yet another person be like, “Yeah, I’m legit not feeling anxious, amped, pissed-off, or shitty about myself, my situation, or other people, the majority of the time. And I’m feeling this absence of pissed-off-ed-ness, fear, anger, and all that stuff WHILE doing my day, endeavoring to be part of the solution, rolling like an upstanding-ish citizen, all that.”
Like wow. And yes, I have it good. Objectively. But I’ve had it objectively good in the past and felt subjectively much less good. Terrible even. So the change is, the conundrum is, I’m fighting being a proselytizer. I don’t want to be a proselytizer. And I’m really really tempted to be a proselytizer. Like, “OMG this is awesome get yer mindfulness on peeps!!!” No no no. Not my jam.
I didn’t want anyone to tell me I could feel better than how I was feeling if I was willing to give doing me differently a whirl. I wanted to blame other people and situations for how I felt. I had a lot of why nots and yeah buts. And I had a lot of stuff I could point to to justify that attitude. I had my reasons.
And then, slowly slowly, I felt the option of allowing myself to be reeled in, feeling like maybe that would be the death of my me-ness, but willing to, just succumb a tiny bit to the pull, fight a tiny bit less against the pull, back towards earth, back towards love and connection and vulnerability and quiet and service and acceptance and openness and community, dip into that track, that current, and discover that world has way more play in it than I thought it would. It’s okay. I get to stand down. Breathe. My best is good enough.
I get to feel that flying feeling, that freedom, without the untethered, scary, alone part. I get to enjoy all the mundane daily living stuff and all the big stuff (which is which?) with full capacity for joy, as much joy and gratitude as I can take. And it turns out I can take quite a bit, way more than I thought I could, and so that’s what I’m saying: I’m glad I gave changing things up a whirl. I’m gonna keep going.
www.livingeveryminuteofit.com
ps. I invite you to - right now - set a timer for 1-3 minutes, close your eyes, and breathe. #whirl
