It’s Not the Highlights
I was idling at the intersection of homeward-bound and cruising-for-trouble when I took a left and another left and found what I was looking for. I just didn’t want to go back to my perfectly lovely home bubble. I was itchy for no reason other than I hadn’t been itchy for several days, maybe weeks, in a row, and maybe some small inner part of me wanted, craved, some drama, some excitement.
I pulled into the Elementary School parking lot, my old stomping ground, the scene of many a pick-up, drop-off, parent club meeting, Fall festival, mom walk meet-up and the like, the place where I met my BFF’s who since the pandemic I haven’t really seen, where Ax had grown from little kid to pre-tween so quickly.
We elected not to send Ax back to live school this year, and instead have had him in a homeschool program where he’s been thriving. In the beginning, I made a point to try to have a weekly zoom or live, masked, distanced, outdoor play date. That routine fizzled around the holidays as his low enthusiasm for these meet-ups dropped to zero, numbers of cases climbed, and new, more contagious strains were discovered.
But that day, from my car, in the parking lot, I could see his little friends playing outside on the field. I didn’t know the school was doing recess again. Or maybe lunch break?
Most of the kids were masked, I thought. Some of his buddies I’ve known for years were kicking a ball back and forth. Three little girls I adore were sitting in a circle chatting and munching, masks down.
And one of his friends was sitting alone, far from the others, checking out the contents of his lunch box. I could make up a story that the boy was scared, or concerned, but he might’ve also just been okay keeping a distance and staying extra-safe. Just having Ferdinand the bull kind of moment.
I took it in, briefly. It was a happy scene, but a sad scene for me. I thought: “I want my kid to be able to play with his friends! I want to play with my friends! I miss my family! I’m sick of this pandemic! I’m sick of being in a pod that’s high-risk physically and low-risk tolerant mentally! Why do all these people get to just be normal and not us!”
And then I drove home, teary, angry, and sad.
So, where the day before I’d been marveling at our good fortune to have a home, to have an at-home learning program that’s working for our child, to have income that’s not dependent on being in harm’s way, and so many other blessings, that day I was pissed.
I walked in the door and went straight into Mike’s garage office. “Honey, I need highlights! I can’t stand my hair!”
“Uhhh, I think your hair looks really nice these days.”
“So you’re saying I can’t even go masked, outside, to the hairdresser? Double-masked, outside?”
“Ummm. Can we talk about it later?”
“Ya fine,” I said.
And I drank some lemon water and made lunch for Ax, and tried to keep Brownie from eating non-food items, all while feeling pissed-off, sad, and sorry for myself. I pretended to be engaged in a maze-making project, and generally walked through the day disconnected, frustrated, and grouchy on the inside.
Even low tide beach sunset with Brownie and Ax romping around in the froth felt meh because I was meh. I’d courted dissatisfaction instead of joy. I’d started fantasizing about a way of living that simply is not on the menu for us given our priorities and situation. That’s how it was, it’s not how it is, and I’m not in charge of any of it.
And so today, I realize I can change what I’m doing and throw away a year of vigilance, or I can change how I’m thinking about what I’m doing, and get back to feeling good, with or without blonde highlights. I had a mental slip, a longing, and that’s okay. I took a left and I should have gone straight but I know the way home.
And my life is now, this day is my day. This hair is my hair. Today I’m gonna enjoy what there is to be enjoyed rather than focus on who and what I’m missing. I’m grateful. I’m looking forward to reconnecting with community and family live when it’s right for us. I’m gonna keep going.
www.livingeveryminuteofit.com
www.combatcovidstress.com
