Thank You for the Love

Arrrrrggghhhhhhh! Seriously.  I’m. Just. So. Sad. Pissed off. Frustrated. Tired. Annoyed.  

I will get over it.  I am already 96.75% even keel again after realizing, recognizing, that for us anything resembling a pre-covid lifestyle is not happening.  Not any time soon anyway.

It seemed so close to happening.  We had plans. I had plans. I had hopes, not even huge elaborate hopes, just kind of normal  holiday season ambitions to see family and friends, in 3D real life, 2019-style.  

Not happening. Not worth it. That’s our decision, based on our current information, our assessment of that information, our risk tolerance, and our values about not being part of the problem, prioritizing others, etc, system capacities, etc.  You do you.

Me, I’m feeling a lot of feels, and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone.  And so for me the question is what do I do when I’m feeling all these feels that I don’t want to feel about a situation I don’t want to be in and can’t really change? 

“I feel so bad I don’t want to cancel!” I whined to my friend Calliope.

“You’re not canceling,” she said.  “It’s not like you’re flaking, there’s a spike in covid and you’re adjusting. That’s different. The pandemic is not your fault.”

But years of programming make this “adjusting” feel like copping out.  Like if I really cared I’d rally.  And frankly, if it were only about me and my well-being and what I want, I might stick to my plan to gather with family.  I might show up in a “see how much I love you” kind of way.  In many ways it would be more comfortable to not be the one to call it.  But the grown up, the big girl in me, gets to have the courage to say, “No, the better choice for my family and my loved ones is to stay away a little longer.  

Hopefully just a little longer.  

We can do this for each other, and make it okay and safe for each other to say:  I love you, I want to be with you, and I’m not willing to risk getting you or me or someone else sick, maybe very sick, maybe long-term sick, to do it.  And thank you for not needing me to risk that just to prove that I love you.  Thank you for the love. The hugs will come. I’m gonna keep going.  

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