How I Honor the Past
I’m actually scared to write about 9/11 this year. I’ve been feeling a little nauseated all day and making up stories about what it could be. Now that I’m in my writing spot it’s obvious: I don’t want to write because I’m scared to get upset.
I’m scared to get more upset, I should say, than I already am this 9-11-20. But I am upset. I am upset and it will come out somewhere. I know that much.
And as my husband reminded me, I generally am upset on this anniversary, and it’s okay to be upset. It’s what I do with that sadness, the hurt, the confusion, the still murky memories and stories I have about where I was, what happened when, that day, that week, those months, and then the whole kind of confluence coincidence aftermath of slow then quick shattered-ness that matters.
It’s what I do with the memory of how much easier it was for me to be angry than sad that matters. Today matters. Being honest with myself about what I’m doing with this precious life matters.
Yesterday matters too, for sure, but I can’t do anything about the past. I can honor what I’ve learned from my past by being a better version of myself today.
Back then, I didn’t want to feel what I felt. I numbed out then burnt out then flamed out. Today, I’m checked in. I’m checked into my feelings and the feelings of the people around me. I notice my impact on people. I’m trying to make a positive difference in myself, my family, my community simply by being myself and showing up in a way that feels unforced, natural, and appropriate for who and how I am when out of hiding.
The deep deep desire to feel nothing rather than what I actually felt, sad, scared, hurt, lonely, betrayed whatever it was, cost me. It was a strategy that worked, kind of, until it didn’t.
So today I am telling you that right now, in 2020, I sometimes feel sad, scared, hurt, lonely, and betrayed. But I can feel it, move through it, and be helpful to others today. That’s how I honor the past. I’m gonna keep going.
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Always Remember
