My Grand Ambition

I see how it is, with me.  I over-commit, and pare down, way down.  Feel starved for action, and then add add add.  Then it’s too much, and I have to adjust.  Again.

It’s all always in flux.  How much is enough?  How much is too much?  Is less more?  Sometimes.  But sometimes, well, sometimes more is more.  

It changes.  It’s a feel thing.  An internal thing.  And for some reason I’m learning it now.  How to make the small adjustments, the small choices day by day, that sometimes feel like huge choices.  And take action in the direction that works, really works, for me.  The real one.

How to make the choices that result in more joy.  More peace, more ease, more space for breathing and being, comfortably. And that is a worthy goal.  It’s my goal.  My grand ambition. It doesn’t have to be yours.  

And the road to comfort has been, at times, for me, extremely uncomfortable.  The choices, to some, have seemed baffling.  Illogical.  Sudden.  Wrong-headed.  And sometimes, inconvenient.  Suboptimal. 

These choices, they affect people.  They’re not always in line with what other people think I should do or be.  How I would please them the most.  Make sense to them the most.  And man, oh man, I do want to please people the most.  But I need to take care of myself first — that tender person inside the personas.  

I’ve tried the other way.  Plenty.  It’s a bottomless pit.  For me.  So I’m surrendering again.  To my very own is-ness.  And believe me,  I really really really want you to like me, love me, want me around.  I so do.

But I’m just not willing to give up what I need, what works for me, to be okay, in pursuit of that feeling of being liked, loved, included.  I never really had that feeling anyway, no matter how far I stretched, no matter how hard I tried, so I might as well wear comfy clothes, RSVP no, and go to bed early.  

And enjoy it.  Feel good about taking good care of myself.  It’s okay.  I’m okay.  I’m gonna keep going.

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