When Drowning, Float

My friend Nicholas reminded me that it’s not so bad that I ate pie for a few meals or that a close family member and I got into a thing.  He said, “The world is broken.  People are dying.  Eat the pie, have the conflicts, recover, keep going.”

I thought that was excellent advice.  It reminded me of this other nugget I got somewhere, “When it feels like I’m drowning, I can choose to float.”

Today, for some reason, perhaps sugar hangover, perhaps family hangover, perhaps seasonal affect disorder, perhaps just being a human being in 2020, it feels a little like drowning.  

Like I’m doing my best but it’s not good enough.  Like I’m ready for bedtime at 8am.  Yes, A.M.

And there’s so much day ahead.  I hurt, physically.  I have a list of hurts.  I hurt, emotionally, I don’t have the connections I want with my friends, my family, my world.  I hurt spiritually.  I want to feel better than I feel today but I don’t.  I regret but can’t undo.

More pie and tv is not the solution.  I know that much.  More digging in and fretting is not the solution.  I know that too.  

The solution, I’ve been taught, is to pause.  To stop.  To breathe.  To remember it’s not my show, I’m not in charge, something bigger than myself is working, I can let go and let life unfold.  I can’t do better than my best.

I can eat a healthy breakfast and do the laundry.  Wash the dishes and perhaps enjoy the feeling of warm water on my hands.  Get dressed.  Tend to my tasks.  Be quiet.  Be where I am.

Remember to feel grateful for all I have, all I am, even when tired, hurt, overeating, and otherwise imperfect.  

I can get out of the way, step back, and go with the flow.  

When I feel like I’m drowning, I can choose to stop thrashing about and float.  I get to choose.  I’m gonna keep going.

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