Dragons, Bunnies, Dust Mites

The last few days my anxiety has been up, way up, for no particular reason that I can determine. I mean, of course I can rattle off the laundry list of stuff going on currently that I could use as evidence to justify my anxiety — things are happening, life is in session, people are existing according to their plan, not mine, there’s too much plastic, all that.

And it would make sense to you. I could sell it that these are the problems and if I just fixed these things, managed these things, then I’d be okay. Feel better.

But I’ve been through enough cycles of agitation and peace to know that the external stuff is not where the source of the discomfort lies. The source of the discomfort, my discomfort, is of my own making. Which does not mean it isn’t real and isn’t truly uncomfortable, but it does mean that I get to do something about it — something internally-focused rather than externally-focused. 

When my inside is at peace, things that felt like attacking dragons start to feel like fluffy bunnies, or even negligible, like dust mites. Stuff happening, people living, life going on as it does, not as an assault on me but as wind blowing the leaves of a tree. Pleasant, neutral, unrelated to me or my journey. Certainly not an assault.

So when I’m anxious, and the hopping bunnies feel like attacking dragons, and I know it, I can try not to inflict my perspective on others — ie: I can resist the impetus to say or do anything irreparable or regrettable while waiting for this mood to pass. I can resist the urge to defend and protect against everything.

Some of it, this moodiness, for sure I can see now, is biological/ chemical/ whatever. And I treat that part as best I can. 

Some of it is situational. I do better with routine and right now, transitioning to Summer, a new routine is emerging, gently, rather than like a hatchet coming down which would be more comforting for me in some ways. 

I’m balancing my need for consistency with my family’s desire to go with the flow, my son’s well-articulated desire to relax and take it easy rather than be placed on yet another schedule.  

And some of it just is. Not every day is rainbows and unicorns. But some days are, and it’s early yet so maybe today’s the day the inside storm passes and all those dragon-seeming issues dissolve into almost nothings and life is a pleasure once more.

Until it’s not, and then it will be again, and on and on.  And it is what it is.  I’m gonna keep going.

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