Content at X is My Y

I’ve been working with various personal-development tools for a while now, to further my purpose of taking good care of myself so I can take better care of others.  I am fairly cautious about the flavor and tone of the purveyors of “help” I allow into my world, the writers, the teachers, the therapists, the podcasters, training apps, the physical trainers and teachers and gurus, because some “help” is not helpful to me.  

And it may be helpful to others but I have to be my own “client advocate”.  So I have to — I get to — pay attention to what lands and makes me feel better, inspired, energized, and what hits me and makes me - me - feel worse, less hopeful, tired, like I want to just give up and quit everything, or argue.  

And then at earlier stages I’d listen to the rap that if I’m averse to something then maybe it’s good for me, and I’d lean in to the painful and uncomfortable.  I don’t do that anymore.  I don’t think feeling dissatisfied and struggling is a sign of growth anymore.

The other day, I came across a workbook module from a trusted source that struck me as toxic.  It asked something like, “Do you believe you can do anything if you work hard and stay with it?”

And I felt like the right answer was “Yes,” but my true answer is “No effing way.”  There are so many variables outside my control for so many things, my own personal effort is a factor but not a determinative factor.  Which doesn’t mean don’t try but just.  To focus on my contribution rather than the result. But I second-guessed myself — like I wondered if I wasn’t positive enough.  If I was a loser.

Then the next question came: “If you are at X and your goal is to be at Y what can you do to make that happen?” Something like that.  That’s what I read.

And there was so much dissatisfaction embedded in the question I missed the trap and just felt crappy.  Like, “What is my Y? I need a Y! But I don’t want a Y I want to be happy at X.”

And then I realized, I am happy at X and that’s really fabulous.  I don’t need a Y.  I don’t need to constantly be on the hunt for improvement, for more money, more fame, better externals, or even better internals.  I don’t want to make ornaments out of pine cones and I don’t want to write a bestseller today and that’s okay.  

I want to do what I’m scheduled to do and enjoy that while I’m doing it, and give strangers smiles while I’m doing it, and leave the parking spot close to the door for infirm people while I’m doing it, and feel grateful.  

Grateful even for people who I’m scared don’t get me and I want them to so badly and I can forgive them for not and forgive myself for caring, and move on.  Even with myself, and that terrible voice that quietly whispers, “You’re just lazy, you’re just lazy,” even as I write this.

So maybe that is my Y.  Being even kinder to myself and to others.  To quiet that voice that says there is always a Y, there needs to be a Y, no matter how comfortable or welcome X is.  

And so that Y of feeling patient, tolerant, kind, and loving toward myself and toward others all day long is something I can totally control.  I can totally achieve that big goal if I want to.  And I do.  

I’m gonna keep going.

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