Happy Holidays

Obviously, there is plenty to be miserable about.  Stressed, pissed off, jacked up, desperate, lonely, discontent, and dissatisfied about.  If you can’t think of anything to be angry, frustrated, perplexed or devastated about, feel free to ping me and I’ll give you some suggestions.  

But even though that hungry wolf is there, that’s not the one I want to feed today.  

Today I want to notice that  my cat Cleo is staring into space right now while lying in the sun, and I can see her from where I’m sitting, and now I can see her turn to look at me, as if she can hear me thinking about her, and marvel at the interconnectedness of everything and everyone, and the brilliance of this sweet, loving cat who adopted us.  

Today I want to marvel at my good fortune to actually, at this moment, not be under threat of imminent death, pain, disease, homelessness, obesity,  severe depression, suicidal-ity, or hopelessness.  I want to marvel that at this moment I am blogging on an entirely paid-for device that still has some life in it.

And that I have some life in me too, and so does Cleo, who not so long ago seemed done for.  That Cleo the cat, this week, seems really into me, like more than usual, and so do my husband and my son.  

Or maybe I’m more into them this week, and it’s snowballing.  Which is fine. I don’t know what effect, if any, the fact that I am day 23 vegan has.  

I was up two pounds but now I’m up only one pound yet my clothes feel looser, maybe, and it’s that time for retaining water too and so, I think I’ve probably lost about 7.5lbs.  Either that or I’ve gained 12.  Or 15?

It is hard, very very hard, for this recovered-anorexic body-dysmorphic person to know.  I know I’m going to stop weighing myself because whatever three digit number comes up all I read is “You Are Fat.”

So an easy fix is to stop looking at the scale, start living, again, and forgive myself my vanity when there are so many more valuable ways to spend this precious life.  I’m gonna keep going.