Lola, the Moderate Stranger Inside

Truth is, it’s not just the time change that’s had me losing sleep this week but also a thing, a Thing, I was grappling with, spinning on, “strategizing” about in my mind. At night. Instead of sleeping. My friend Athena said, “Nothing is more important than your sleep! Just stop worrying!” Which was totally well-intentioned, but as anyone who’s ever been up at night worrying about a situation knows, not that helpful.

I talked to my therapist Trish about it: “I can’t figure out whether to hold ‘em or fold ‘em, walk away or run – and if run, then in which direction? Into the flame or away from it?” All these effers say to lean into so much, so many many things, but so much of me wants to lean away, move away, let it go.

‘Let it go’ sounds really reasonable and balanced, but giving up and giving in is not appealing at all. So I was spinning. Part of me felt Bravehart – paint my face, grab my spear, and go all full force at it. Part of me felt Ferdinand – the Bull who prefers sitting under a tree all day sniffing flowers to fighting.

And then there was some moderate middle being in there, this voice that could reason with both sides of the extremes. Let’s call her Lola, for now. Lola said, “Well you did this, that, and the other action and made some progress with the situation. You could do more, and it might result in more, or it might not. Or you could stop spending your energy on that particular situation, take the wins you’ve made, and move on.”

And I’d heard this voice before, but it was always pulled, pulled, pulled toward the much louder extremes, drowned out, overpowered by the more extreme, more compelling, tendencies. I never listened to this particular voice as it’s own thing in its own right. I never named it.

So welcome Lola, I’m not sure what to make of you but I’m interested in whatever you have to say. I’m gonna keep going.