Re-Set Time!
Ok, re-setting works. But what I keep forgetting and re-learning and re-learning is that it’s not really re-setting but rather re-setting and re-re-setting and re-re-re-resetting, you the the idea, all day long, all life long. I’m thinking that’s part of the whole we humans are spiritual beings having a human experience thing. To me that need to constantly re-set and return to center, return to the truth that I am loved, I am safe, I am worthy exactly as I am, I have something to offer as me, just me, that’s gotta be the human part. And the wiser part, the part that transcends this momentary little casing of mine with its thighs like this and its hair like that and its house with this kind of furniture and its car that gets that kind of mileage with these dents and scrapes, the wiser part of “me” knows my only real purpose is to enjoy this ride and to help others do the same, or at least not interfere with their attempts that they are making their way. That’s the whole, whole deal. That’s Plan A, for me.
I do my best, I really do, even on days or weeks when I fall miserably, bafflingly, egregiously short of what my brain, the egoic self, would have me doing or accomplishing or acting like. Evie the inner critic, the nasty voice that will not let me catch a break no matter how hard I try, she’s not saying, “There, there, Sascha, of course it’s like this sometimes. You are a human being and human beings are inconstant creatures, with speedy brains that have lots of ideas about how everything should be all the time, that very rarely, pretty much never, is the way things actually are.”
No, no, Evie is like, “You stupid piece of crap! You loser! Get it together! Don’t you know how lucky you are? Don’t you know how grateful you should be? Get a job! Get better hair! Get going! Quit yer bitchin and get a move on!” I would never talk to someone else as cruelly as I allow Evie to talk to me. And a lot of the time I don’t even notice until I’ve found myself in this hole and I’m like those necklace alert ads, calling a friend being all, “Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”
But then it’s re-set time. Have a glass of kombucha, take a walk, tell someone and let them laugh at me, I mean with me. Keep going. Maybe forget the Big Plan, maybe figure out how to make the Big Plan much, much, much, much, smaller, more real life-sized, for me. Like, “What is the smallest possible way I could do something good for someone else today, and for myself?”
Watch a line of ants moving forward and marvel at their seemingly unquestioning diligence and dedication. Set up a nice lap for our cat Cleo and feel her purring. Breathe in and out and actually notice the feeling of feeling grateful for this life, right now, not because I should or was told to but because I slowed down. I slowed down enough to actually feel, to notice, to see that thing, that quality, that undeniable beyond-ness.
And of course immediately I thought, “Oooh I’m gonna keep this feeling with me all day long, all week long, forever and ever!” And then it was gone, and that’s why I think it’s really, for me, always a pretty good time to re-re-re-re-re-reset, and then keep going. I'm gonna do that.