Back in Blonde

Since childhood, actually babyhood, people have been addressing me and relating to me via this thing called my body that has a tangible form and looks a certain way and is visible. For whatever reason, I feel like for a long time, since I can remember really, I’ve been hyper-aware of how what I look like on the outside might affect how people relate to me. Over the years, I’ve spent much more time, energy, money, qi on cultivating various external looks than on fortifying my soul or my connection with Gd or the Universe or whatever you want to call that. I’ve also spent a decent amount of time, energy, money, qi on brain stuff, knowledge/skill stuff, but that’s another story.

Anyway, the point is that when I turned inward and started really investing a bit more in the me that can’t be seen I let go of much of the part that could be seen. I tried to keep healthy, keep clean, but the look of things sort of took a backseat. I just didn’t care that much, I didn’t want to spend my time shopping and waxing and bleaching this and darkening that. Doing that stuff didn’t seem so fun anymore, or so necessary.

And maybe, maybe, I’ll admit, maybe I wanted people to know I was on a different path than the path I was on when my eyebrows were like little half-moons above my eyes and my tresses looked like hair one might refer to as tresses. Like, “Hey look at me I do not have a pedicure because I am beyond that kind of thing.” Or, “Ask me why I don’t have a pedicure and I’ll tell you about toxins and geopolitical inequities, and prioritizing beach walking, and fighting the patriarchy, and, and, and.”

But another truth is that actually Mike and I once saw a rather old scrawny man naked with painted red toenails in the tubs at Esalen and ever since then Mike has said pedicures remind him of that guy. So partly it’s not so noble to not get pedicures anymore but rather another attempt of mine to be visually appealing, or at least not visually repugnant, to my mate. And writing this really makes me want hot pink toenails anyway, or maybe Ballet Slippers, despite that naked guy, and there is that eco-friendly salon downtown….

The point is, I spent my first day back in blonde and it feels great. I feel more me with this silly, obviously fake platinum hair than I did with the wannabe earthy naturally-looking hair, which by the way was not natural anyway. So yes. I get to look like however I want, but it’s also nice to know I don’t have to look a certain way to feel myself. Myself is not a visual thing, myself is an energetic thing. But these days my energy just happens to be blonder than it was before. I’m going to keep going.

Here's a throwback post that relates:

http://www.livingeveryminuteofit.com/2017/04/13/more-that/