Spot It, Got It, Love It, Forgive It

I realized that some online personalities were bugging the crap out of me and it’s because part of me, the part of me I can’t accept, is probably just like them or wants to be more like them or feels jealous of them or something in that “You spot it, you got it” vein. So there’s conflict there, right? And there’s a nugget if I work it and see what’s going on with me that’s making me wrinkle my nose at them. You spot it, you got it. Like someone’s being boastful and that annoys me and it’s probably because part of me I don’t admire or love is also boastful, or whatever it is, lazy, inconsiderate, attention-seeking, gluttonous, impatient, disorganized, know-it-all-peacocking, well-intentioned bulldozer, glib, – whatever it is. I’m not talking about mortal sins, just qualities and ways of being and doing that … annoy me.

So when I’m annoyed by a self-help/ personal growth/ mommy blogging/ coaching navel-gazer I’m going to turn it around and get something out of it. Instead of stewing and fuming and wishing all the world were pure and angelic and just a big puppy mosh pit of hugs so that I could feel better, I’m going to look at the particular person and say, “What part of me that I don’t accept am I seeing here?” And then when I figure it out I’m going to pour some love on that part, instead of rejecting it.

Of fucking course I want to be more popular. Of fucking course I’d like to make more money. Of fucking course I’d like to have more influence. Of fucking course I’d like to be seen as having something to offer of Major Value to Lots of People. More Please. Yes!

I’m calling in the Kind Auntie inner voice on this one: “There, there, Sascha. It’s okay to want more of everything. It’s a natural human desire, and you are human, just like everyone else. You have plenty and you know it and that’s a good thing. You have enough for you and that’s wonderful. And it’s okay to want more, or to want to want more, but don’t let the pursuit of more or the idea of more ruin your appreciation for and enjoyment of all that you have and all that you are right now.”

Oh right, oh all that, again. More-itis. And then it swings the other way – “Is it okay to just be satisfied with the way things are? Look at those stay-at-home-moms just having a nice time, WTF?” The self-loathing in the form of judging other people is really strong in me today so I’m going to try to pour a little extra love on them and myself and maybe even meditate. Yes, it’s come to that. If you see me out shopping for sofas please just stop me and give me a hug. Ok then. Let’s do this day.