Feelings -- Oh No! I Mean, Oh Yay! I Mean, Oh, yeah.

So yesterday I was feeling sort of brain race-y and discombobulated, like either I really needed a nap or to run up a mountain, or both, at the same time. The way I described it to my mom, my four friends who answered their phones, my husband, and myself was, “I’m not okay.” I was like, thinking in my head, “I’m not okay. I’m not okay.” And then I’d make a mental list of all the reasons: Full moon, hormone cycle, Ax starting kindergarten, Mike being unwilling to cancel the flowers he ordered before he read my mother’s day post about not wanting flowers, allergies, too much Facebook time, not enough lean protein, too many greying black leggings cluttering my black leggings drawer….

I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was going on but I was zooming through the day, doing stuff, feeling a kind of autopilot urge to be in motion all the time, never quiet, always going, yet never quite going fast enough to feel … okay. Chasing okayness, but fidgety, needing a snack, or some cardio, or perhaps a relaxing bath, social time, or something, anything, but anything other than what was actually going on at that moment. One of my friends said, “Give it to Gd.” But give what? I’m not that advanced with give it to Gd thing yet. I used to pray for help feeling comfortable with discomfort, but I didn’t remember that one yesterday, which is too bad because it really might have helped. But anyway.

And then my back seized up, like all of a sudden, in that way that forced me to stop and kind of hunch over, and I knew it was time to get serious about feeling better. Yes, shocking, excruciating pain out of nowhere was just the kind of subtle hint I needed. So I called my shrink, Trish, and went on in.

And I told her what was going on and how I wasn’t okay. And Trish was like all therapist-y neutral voice, “What’s the difference between being being ‘not okay’ and just being sad?” She’s rough that way with the pokey pokey nosey nasty questions sometimes. But when I wrinkled my nose she just shrugged and was like, “Hey, you called me.”

I did call her. I didn’t want to be feeling that not okay way. And she frigging nailed it because right then I started to kind of tear up in that blink-y, non-crying, gee what happened is there a sudden pollen cloud here/dust in my eyes? kind of way. And I realized that yes, I was sad. Sad about a lot of things like death, and people I love dying, and getting older, and being sick, and fear of illness, and fear of being alone and unloved if I keep living mostly for me, and fear of dying never knowing what it would have been like if I had lived mostly for me, whatever that might mean. Just sad.

So I cried a little for my friend who died, and for her family and close friends and for myself and for all of it, and then Trish swiped my card and said, “See you next week.” And I went home and had some yogurt and finally removed the chipping nail polish I’d gotten for that Malibu beach party a few weeks ago and then I went and got Ax and went on with it, feeling sad, but okay.  This too shall pass.