The Being Alive Stage

There are life stages. We all know it.  There’s the learning to walk stage and the starting to date stage and the starting a career stage and the having a kid or not having a kid stage and the changing careers stage and on and on and on, and then there’s the finding oneself stage which for me has kind of run through all of it, and kind of not. What I mean is, I didn’t realize I was unfound, or lost, during all of those other stages until quite recently. I had a full, interesting, busy, international life without having any idea who I was, what I was really about, or what I was after in this existence. Purpose, vision, values, nah, I was just trying to not be bad, which was a constant futile effort.

I should tell you I’m having deep thoughts today because of someone close to me, not super-close like I didn’t talk to her all the time, but close because I felt like I knew her and she knew me and we liked each other. And I met her at a time when I didn’t know myself and didn’t even know I didn’t know myself and didn’t even know that was going to wind up being important to me.

And she got me then, she seemed to know me and like me, though I didn’t really understand it. She made me feel good without my needing to do much except exist. So that was a gift that was a little confusing but I liked it. I liked being around her the bits that I was. She made me feel safe and kind of smiley for no reason.

Anyway I found out she died yesterday, after a long illness and struggle. And even though I haven’t talked to her or seen her in a while I am a little heartbroken. She had family and friends and a full life and all that in the time she had and I miss her.

So I’m thinking about her and about the gift of being able to be with other people and see them and let them see me and have it be nice just like that, without a lot of hoopla. I’m going to take it down several notches today, think about my friend, appreciate what there is to be appreciated, and notice all the opportunities I still have to give and to receive. That’s the life stage I’m in today – living. Yes.