Click

            So for me the big leap is not a leap, but a subtle turning of the dial one way or the other.  And if you’ve ever worked a real dial that clicks up and down for say, a stereo or a combination lock, there’s that place in between the clicks that’s got a lot of tension and takes a bit of effort to stay in.  The dial wants to go into the old clicky grooves one way or another.  The grooves are the defaults.

            So if you’re like me, and you’re changing up your old way of doing things, trying to make new defaults, there’s gonna be a pull into the old grooves that are already there.  Hanging out in the in-between feels weird.  But I gotta stay in the weird discomfort if I want a chance at a different output.  For me that means no running to get a law job, no moving houses, no new degrees, licenses, or certificates, no big parties, no new clients, no redecorating, no new hobbies. 

            I gotta tell myself to take the frigging space.  I mean, I gotta tell myself, “take the space, darling one.”  Read a book.  Write an essay.  Chew the food that’s in your mouth, chew it all the way, then swallow it. 

            And yeah take care of all the stuff that needs taking care of to keep fed, sheltered, clothed and whatnot.  But don’t pile on extras.  My car doesn’t need to be washed.  I don’t need new black leggings.  Pasta is fine for dinner again tonight.  Today I can almost imagine clicking into a new notch and enjoying it.