We Don’t Do This Alone

“Coach, coach Thyself!” I heard myself saying to myself the other day.  Like okay, if I were my own coaching client, what would I be doing? 

First, body, the machine, the bodymind machine, needs what it needs. Proper care and feeding, not too much, not too little, just right, but not rigidly just right either, because that activates a different mindbody spin cycle antithetical to the whole flourishing and vibrancy thing.

And that’s what I’m going for, right? Flourishing and vibrancy.  I want it, I want it now, and lots of it.  But the chasing of it kind of destroys it.  The desire, the desperation ferments in my stomach like rotten semi-digested organic artisanal gluten-free bird seed, when every cell wants a bagel and a schmear.  Maybe pizza.

And it’s all so controlled and carefully dosed this healthy vibrant mindful lifestyle and then nature basically pisses on it.  Makes a big dookie.  On my idea of how things should be — and the rain comes down and my lovely little house backs up and my body backs up and my mood backs up and my cycle goes out of whack and it’s clear:

I’m not even kidding myself effectively anymore.  I have no idea what I’m doing here or why I was born into this culture, at this time, with these external circumstances.

I know I’m going gray, but not gray enough yet to stop trying to be blonde and just be gray.  And I know I believe that being whatever hair color I actually might be now without intervention — maybe brownish with some gray? — is not okay.  And I have no good reason for why that is.

Just like I have no good reason for why I’m not okay with having really choppy moods these days.  I got a blood test, fancy blood tests, because I’ve been doing all the things and still not feeling vital and flourishing so much of the time.  Like super-unvital, like mega-unflourishing.  Like 2pm and I need to go night-night.

And the doctor was like, “Well, based on these labs you might be feeling agitated and anxious most of the time, but also very low energy and sluggish?”

And I did not say, “I bet you say that to all the girls.”

What I said was, “Where can I pick up whatever you are selling and would you like Venmo or credit?”

And so now I’m on a new ride, but it’s not my first mood management rodeo. I know I get to do all the other things too, the diet, exercise, play, sleep parts. 

And I’m grateful I know that my work also includes getting more help when I need it and I get to do that. I’m supposed to do that. We don’t do this alone. I’m gonna keep going.