Thumbs Down Frown-y Face: Deep Inner Knowing Override

I’m ashamed to admit this habit, so I know it’s a good idea to admit this habit, as part of the whole, “the cracks are where the light comes in,” gestalt of what I’m up to here.  Put the whole self, the ick parts too, in bright daylight, and watch them become manageable, perhaps even useful to someone else.

So here it is, true confession: I override, I have overridden, my deep inner knowing about small stuff and some big stuff along the way.  Jobs, schools, locations, men, work, all of it.

I’ve abandoned that teeny quiet voice of my true selves, repeatedly, in a quest to be slightly better or different than how I really was at that time, what really would have lit me up, felt flow for me, at that time.  And those choices landed me in some interesting spots, and also some dark hole type spots.  The kind of spots some folks I know don’t get out of ever.

But I did.  I have. Repeatedly.  Secular folk call it luck. And it’s like, “Okay, so really it’s all bonus time this life of mine.  What am I doing here?  How am I treating myself — the actual one(s) not the aspirational ones or the grotesque and gravely disappointing and undeserving ones.  How am I showing up for the rest of this ride?”  Am I paying attention to what is true for me, and honoring that by moving in the direction of that.  Or am I spinning wheels in brain mud (yes) hoping that if the living room looks the way I think it should look then I will feel the way I think I should feel or the way I want to feel?”

I know better.  My deep inner knowing knows better. And I’m listening.  I’m gonna keep going.

Throwback pic credit: Mike, 2004