50 Shades of Sunrise

I was working with one of my teacher/students and she suggested that in addition to black and white there is grey, and that I might want to explore the grey zones to find more peace and ease or joy or expansiveness or whatever you want to call it — more feeling good, less feeling bad — more of the time. (Good/bad being a go-to black/white dualistic kind of trap — they’re everywhere, dangit!)

Anyway, it’s not the first time the middle way, the third way, the alternate route, the conscious, awake, aware path, the open door, rather than the default, obvious kill/be killed, all/nothing, in/out, all/nothing path has been recommended.

And immediately my little brain vomits a flurry of why nots. I am not a fan of grey, I don’t do grey, I can’t do grey. Grey is for losers, weaklings, wannabes, dropouts.

And how has that mindset been working for me? Well, I’ll tell ya: I spend a lot of time feeling like a loser, repulsive, embarrassed, and insecure.

So what if? What if I gave this medium rare way of being a whirl, despite that little brain vomit voice? Maybe there is a way to access that joy part I’ve heard so much about — even felt for myself, a few times, when that vomit brain is de-activated.

I am not a fan of grey. It’s too intimidating, too scary. But I am a fan of sunrise and sunset, orange, pink, the blurry kind of spectrum. So I thought “Okay, I’m not ready for grey but I can hang in golden pink. I’m willing to give golden pink a whirl — not black night, not bright noon — the ebb and flow moments, the hallway between where I’ve been and where I’m going, unclear, uncertain, but safe and … holding the potential to be even … good. I’m gonna keep going.

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