Equipoise Happens

So I was down, then I was up, way up, and now I’m - knock wood - buoyantly middle mood-wise.  Thought-wise some churn still, with respect to how to address the seemingly gaping schedule hole that is the time that for the last almost two years was occupied with mothering and generally being “around” for our homeschooling son.  

Let’s be clear: the time will fill itself.  I have plenty of apparently healthy, well-balanced, even worthwhile activities with which to fill my days.  

AND in the weird way that transitions and uncertainty can, a flare up of not-good-enough-itis occurred.  AND in the weird, almost laughably pathetic and human way that lessons will be repeated until they are learned — coming down from the self-generated drama and torment of inventing a problem where none existed and then hustling to “fix” it resulting in making things somewhat less joyful than they were before the “problem” was identified —  I realize it comes back to the same thing:  I am enough, I do enough, I have enough.  For now, my life looks like what it looks like and so do I. So one option, an option I forget so easily, is to enjoy it, relax into it, be where I am and be grateful for it.  Full stop.

AND if I have a desire to do, have, or be more I can BUT if the ambition driving that urge to more is an ambition to feel better more of the time then the pursuit of more external stuff is an ineffective way to go about achieving that goal. It doesn’t work.

Feeling better more of the time — for me, in my circumstances — is a totally inside job. Good rest, connection with inner wisdom, care for the body machine, and continued showing up in the world in a way consistent with my values and priorities. That’s the gig. It’s plenty, I’m plenty, it’s all unfolding as it will and so am I. Feed dog, drop off kid, take walk, eat, read, write, serve, sleep. Like that. I’m gonna keep going.  

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