More Peace and Ease, More of the Time/Cut the Crap

It’s astounding how this woo woo stuff I’ve been soaking in actually works. The whole focusing on my own thoughts and actions as the primary locus for improvement has turned out to be way more effective than the pushing for change in others and outside circumstances.  

I remember the moment I knew how I was living was maybe not on the right track. I had the thought, “If I’m so brilliant why am I so miserable?”

I didn’t know it then, but looking back I see that was the moment I decided to make feeling better more of the time a goal in and of itself — I’d been pursuing external stuff, and getting it, so that I could feel good, but that external stuff wasn’t really working.  It was nice, for what it was, but it wasn’t giving me the sense of security, belonging, peace I’d kind of expected or wanted from it. 

In some ways the more I got on that external level, the more I needed to achieve the same internal effect, and the feelgood I wanted or expected didn’t last long enough or feel good enough even after all the effort to get there: A’s, accolades, outfits, real estate, boyfriends, booze, promotions, hairdos — fleeting pleasures, blips of momentary sun in an otherwise murky miserable stew of uncomfortable longing.

What would it take to use my brilliant brain in pursuit of a life I enjoyed living rather than continuing the path of endless striving for the next accomplishment to feed the never-sated hungry ghost, the bottomless pit of my need for validation, reassurance, proof of worthwhile existence?

A lot. And so very little, the tiniest shift that’s opened up everything. What a relief. I’m gonna keep going. 

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