Barely Hanging On is the New Fabulous
When people used to ask my friend Glinda “How are you?” she’d say, “Fabulous,” and follow up quickly with, “How are you?” I wasn’t sure what I thought about that default but she suggested I give it a whirl and see how it felt for a bit. I wasn’t sure “fabulous” or anything near that felt appropriate for me as a public descriptor of my own state of being. I didn’t think it was a seemly answer for anyone, really.
I mean, if it was sarcasm then maybe that was okay, but it still seemed a little too sassy for my style. Then I thought maybe it would be a kind of cruel flaunting of wellness in the face of others’ assumed suffering, which I didn’t like. Then I thought it might show a kind of blow off of the question, also rude.
Finally I stopped thinking and gave it a whirl.
It became, for a while, a good little trick to avoid my habit of answering the simple question, “How are you?” with a tsunami of life details and in-depth weather report of my internal (often cloudy, if not downright stormy) mental state. “Well this is happening and that is happening and I don’t like this and that is terrible.” I would reinforce the groove of discontent and spread it around in the hopes of what - connection? Relief? Something. Finally, I took Glinda’s advice.
“I’m fabulous, how are you?” I’d say and after what I perceived was a slight pause of surprise, people would tell me about their stuff, or not, and I got to just listen. It was so liberating to focus on them, not me. And while I’m all for authenticity I’m also a big believer in neuro-plasticity and the whole move a muscle/change a thought thing.
By answering “fabulous” - and sometimes, my own (resistant) spin, “Almost completely fabulous,” it seemed to make it so, help me see that yes, in fact I was, I had the capacity to be, closer to fabulous than anything else much of the time. The critical ingredient I needed was a perspective shift, enabled by taking different actions in my day, every day.
Last week though I was feeling far, very far, from fabulous. I was weepy, blue, brain spinning, overwhelmed, in the dark dark. The objective facts of my life were still relatively fabulous, but certain external disruptions in my current life cocktail had occurred that threw me. Full disclosure — some of the disruptions were unavoidable, some were my bright idea to meet changes with piling on more changes. Seemingly little adjustments the cumulative effect of which had me swirling.
I sounded the alarm to my nearest and dearest, “I’m in the hole! It’s been so long since I was here I need help getting out!” Some people call this kind of call for help prayer. Help!!!
I did not panic, too much. I had faith, just a tiny bit, that it would pass. I babbled, I looked at the current ingredients in my day-to-day and added in more healthy FUN stuff because I could and I’m worth it. Added back in some stuff I’d taken out, took out some stuff I’d - with great intentions - added in. I let myself be sad and frazzled while showing up. I didn’t hide that I was sad and frazzled. I took my turn being needy. I wanted to go to bed, get under the covers with salty treats, and never come out.
I didn’t do that. I called my shrink, called people I trusted who I hadn’t spoken to in months, I ate more vegetables. I showed up for commitments.
And it lifted. For reals. I didn’t fight it but I didn’t let it take me all the way down. I kept my nostrils above water.
And I can honestly say that today I am fabulous. And I am proud that a state of being which used to drive me nearly to the edge came and I addressed it differently than I did in the past and it was a blip, an unpleasant, hard blip, but not a lifestyle or way of life. I didn’t need to make it a major plot line in anyone’s life including my own.
So I’m just hearing so many people these days, people I love, who are barely hanging on, and I feel like these days maybe it’s kind of appropriate to feel that way. Maybe barely hanging on is the new fabulous under current circumstances. I personally don’t like feeling that way and I’m grateful as fuck I’ve learned to be willing to try all kinds of wacky stuff to feel better more of the time. Things like breakfast, crying, my regular check in friends, addressing physical pain like it’s my job, comfier shoes, meditation, chatting, service, all the stuff.
But if you are nose above water right now, or feel less than fabulous, I’m sending you love and hugs and a big effing truckload of faith that this too shall pass. We don’t do this alone. Reach out, take your turn. I’m gonna keep going.
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