Internal vs. External – Stuff I Need to Remember
So I’m writing a book, at least one, maybe three. Maybe a three-in-one, whatever that means. Anyway. What you read today might even be part of what some might call a first draft so extra love please. It might also just be a regular old blog post written by me, for me, because it’s the stuff I need to remember if I want a chance at having a decent, possibly even good, day today, given that my default experience of the world – even after years of “personal growth” work and workshops and spiritual healings and therapy and all the stuff – is not all that positive. My default settings are what they are, the hand I was dealt.
The great news is that I have learned that I don’t need to let my default settings – that perspective, mood, physical limitations, any of it – dictate how I feel or what I do today. I’ve learned to play my particular kind of hand in a way that lets me feel pretty awesome most of the time. The default settings are there, I know where they are, I know where they take me, but somehow bit by bit I don’t seem to be really going there anymore, or if I find myself heading that way I notice and get out of it without too much drama.
Holy moly! That’s actually a pretty big truth to swallow. I get to drive my bus. I get to captain my ship. I get to soar … ok, I’m getting carried away. Point is I feel much less shitty much more of the time and when I do feel shitty it is way less intense than it used to be. In other words, a lot of the time I feel pretty good and when that’s not the case it doesn’t get as bad as it used to.
And for some people perhaps this whole feel your feelings, hack your brain realm is like, “Okay, so what, who cares?” And for me, and people like me, who have struggled or are struggling with unpleasant stress, anxiety, depression, moodiness, or general uneasiness to the point where it maybe isn’t just unpleasant for ourselves but gets in the way of our relationships with other people, gets in the way of our doing what we don’t even maybe know we’re supposed to be doing with this life, our earning, our homelife, our physical wellbeing, the lives of the people we love, that kind of thing, for people like us who maybe are even just like, “Huh, life is okay, I feel kinda okay most of the time, not that bad, but maybe, gee, maybe it would be interesting to see what it would be like to feel just a little bit free-er, a little less stressed or anxious, a little more of the time?” For people like that, people like me, the whole mood-hack biz is quite important.
And so, what’s been working for me, consistently, over time, is a kind of personal feelbetter system I cobbled together based on the teachings and experience and advice of a lot of other people. And so my deep hope and desire, well, a loose hope, is that maybe I might be someone who has something to pass along that’s useful to you, because that’s how it works. I’m given help, I receive help, I give help, maybe someone receives it (or not), repeat.
Okay so yesterday we talked about OPS (other people’s stuff) versus MS (my stuff), and that’s an important point of discernment to develop, the skill of knowing what’s mine to address and what’s not mine. Today I wanna talk about Externals and Internals – similar, but different.
Here’s the premise: Something is going on and I want to feel better. A developer is putting up a high-rise next door; My mom gave my kid processed sugar again; My boss didn’t acknowledge my work on project and took all the credit for himself. Stuff. Maybe even big stuff – My kid doesn’t speak to me because he’s on drugs; My husband goes out at night and I don’t know if or when he’ll come back; I’ve got a bad diagnosis.
So, whatever is going on has an internal impact on me, my thoughts and feelings – I have my fact-based internal story about what’s happening, and then there are the facts of what’s going on externally. When I consider the internal and external impacts separately, I tend to make better decisions and feel better. There’s more room to get creative and access a higher self, a chiller self, a less driven by default-settings self. And doing that over and over again, it becomes almost automatic, I become (sometimes) actually chill. Let’s take these examples one by one.
The High Rise Next Door:
Internal Feelings: – I’m pissed, I’m scared – Internal thoughts: I’ve gotta move, I’ve gotta stop this project!!!
External Reality Check – What’s really going on? Someone wants to build something. There is a process and rules for how that kind of thing works. I don’t know what those are. I need help figuring out how to know and enforce my rights. Where can I get help? Or, if I don’t want to get help, can I let it go and change my thoughts to “The sound of construction will be the sound of my property value going up? Or the sound of new nice neighbors being able to live in this great place too? Maybe I’ll make new friends.” Really.
So yeah, it helps to have help. This is different from a “spiritual bypass” or “happy talk” because I fully allow myself the internal default part of feeling annoyed and thinking annoyed thoughts first, if I need to. But then, before ACTING on any of that, I take a stab at reality-checking. It’s easier with the lower stakes stuff.
The Processed Sugar
Internally: I’m pissed, I’m sad, I’m scared. Why’d she do that? What’s she thinking? She knows that’s a no-no! She doesn’t respect me or my rules! I’m gonna give her a what-for! If she can’t stop poisoning my kid she’s not gonna get solo visits!
Externally: What’s really going on? My mother gave her grandkid ice cream. She sees him not that often. Is there a universe where I can make an exception to the no processed sugar rule for her? Clearly my repeating my desires is not working. What’s best for my kid? For me and my mom to be in conflict, for me to be fuming about something that he enjoys on a special occasion? I will reiterate my desire to emphasize healthier snacks and then LET IT GO. Maybe I’ll change my thoughts, “Isn’t it wonderful my mom wants to show my child a good time? I am so lucky to have a parent interested in spending time with my kid. I’m so happy for both of them that they have each other in their lives. And happy for me. It’s good for him to have different people with different standards in his life.”
The Credit-Stealing Boss
Internally: I’m pissed, I’m sad, maybe scared. (Notice a trend?) Really, Boss? While you were out to dinner I was pulling an all-nighter and you’re not even mentioning my contribution? So rude and there’s nothing I can do about it because if I complain I won’t be a team player. Ugh. Lose-lose. Why does this always happen to me???
Externally: Oh right, I think it’s kinda douchey to not spread the credit but it doesn’t have anything to do with me. Maybe in Boss’s culture that’s just the way it goes. I guess if I make Boss look good that means I’m doing what I’m getting paid for. If I don’t care about getting credit I can focus on doing good work and when it’s time to point out my value, if needed, I’ll do it. That time is not now, while I’m pissed and sad, and basically am okay with my job. I know I’m awesome. I’m gonna keep going.
You get the picture without doing the examples of the drug-addicted kid, the prowling spouse, the scary diagnosis, because at this point I think you get what I’m talking about: How I feel internally doesn’t always mesh with what’s actually happening externally OR need to dictate how I proceed externally. When I distinguish between my initial feelings and thoughts about some circumstance, and what’s actually going on – just the facts – I have more power to choose how I want to deal with a situation. A lot of the time it’s NAR – No Action Required. Make a smoothie, wiggle my toes, breathe, appreciate what’s going right in my world. What a relief. I’m gonna keep going.
