Good Job
“So, Ax,” I said to my ten-year-old son, after reminding him of our agreement to spend more time together off screens during the day. “I’m wondering if now that you’re ten if there’s anything that you would tell your younger self if you could?”
He paused, lightly punched at a Happy Birthday balloon, then said thoughtfully, “No.”
“Really?” I said, “Like anything you’ve learned that you would tell your baby self if you could?”
He punched the balloon, chased it, tapped it before it landed, chased it, tapped it, chased it.
“I’m pretty happy with when my baby self learned what it learned, like when I learned how to play tennis, and how to walk and stuff.” Punch, chase, punch, chase.
“Ok, but what about what you like and don’t like, what you need and don’t need, stuff like that, about what works for you.”
“I already knew that when I was a baby.”
And like that, it’s so clear, that my kid is already more well-adjusted and self-confident than I am. He is a self-regulating giant. He expresses a desire to rest when he’s tired, eat when he’s hungry, punch balloons when he’s energized, blob-out when he’s blobby.
It’s not complicated with him. When I ask him if he wants to do this, that, or the other thing, his responses are either an enthusiastic “yes” or a loud silence, which means no. If, into the silence, I advocate or push, he’ll either capitulate (“Ok”) and be content with his decision, or stand firm and pretty much be immovable regardless of how much carrot, stick, guilt, or charm I employ.
He knows who he is, already. He’s game to try new things but he doesn’t seem game to be a different person to please me or anyone else, or to be different from how he is.
For example, he made his cake, and ate half a slice. The next day we offered him another slice he said he wasn’t “in the mood” for cake and it was okay to trash the rest.
Me, I’m still working on this self-knowledge/self-mastery/self-regulation/self-care thing. I didn’t eat more cake but it took will power. And I don’t even like cake!
So my kid is my teacher, shining a light into this next level of letting go of the self-doubt, the self-sabotage, the self-destruction, the self-loathing I’ve carried around like a precious protective jewel all these years. A next level of allowing IN what feels appropriate, even good, and right on time for a perfectly okay grown-up person who is still growing.
I’m thinking my future self might even look back on this time and say she is happy with how I have learned what I’ve learned when I’ve learned it. That it might all be unfolding just right. And maybe I can say that to my current self too, today. “I’m proud of you for where you’ve been, where you are, and how you’re moving forward. Good job.” I’m gonna keep going.
