True Confession: I’m Sad
What. The. You know the rest. I unloaded on my BFF Felice the other night. My momz and I were finally virtually hanging since this thing started, and of course with the whole other tragedy happening, and we all just wanted to Zoom and chill and have a pleasant time when one mom said, “What are you doing with your kids for the Summer?”
And then I said, “I’ve got 2 online camps planned and then it’s camp mom.”
And then another mom said, “We can’t see paying that much for online stuff where we’re gonna have to supervise anyway.”
And then another mom said, “We’re not gonna do any online stuff we’re gonna enjoy nature.”
And then my friend Felice said, “my daughter Alicia’s gymnastics coach has actually offered to give her one-on-one lessons at the gym with the doors all open, wearing masks, maintaining distance, and sanitizing everything she’ll be touching.”
And what I heard was, “I’ll be pushing my daughter Alicia into traffic on the freeway and her little sister and the rest of the family will follow her.”
And I did my “pause, breathe” technique, but not enough. I could feel that I was still hot, still seeing red when I opened my mouth. And in my brain I was totally justified. I love Felice and Alicia!
Don’t run into rushing traffic! Seems like the right thing to say, and loudly, no matter how unpopular that position might be.
“Dude! Save yourself and others! Don’t drive drunk! Give me your keys. I’m taking them.”
And I could feel that the vibe had shifted. There was an awkward silence. We’ve been through mudslides and fires and now pandemics together. We know each other.
“I’m sorry.” I said, but I still wasn’t really really sorry, because I thought I was right and had a duty of sorts to protect them. What with Mike’s access to science science science and data data data and all. But I wasn’t right, because of the tone of the delivery of the message. Because Felice had acknowledged that she already knew her choice would not be my choice, and she was making it anyway. Because I was so adrenalized in that moment I had no idea what she was even really saying.
And I wasn’t gonna listen because I was right, my opinion was right, and on this, this very important point, I was gonna put being right ahead of our relationship and ahead of my behaving like a loving member of a community. One among many, doing the best I can for my family given all my givens. Just like Felice.
And I made the after-Zoom apologies to her and to the others and Felice said it was all good she knows me, meaning I guess she knows my intentions are good even when I lose my cool?
But it made me think: How do I want to walk through this s-itshow? Is there something in-between total withdrawal, drawbridges up, only talk to people who are doing exactly what I’m doing because the other is too upsetting? Something between that and self-appointed curve-flattener of the universe who sees dead people when she looks at the happy diners at the open restaurants and beaches? Who is, right now, so sad, about all of it. And it’s much easier for me to be angry than sad. And then behind both those feelings there is an inner peace I know I can access, even now.
It feels like I have an inner peaceful person and an inner wild child and when I’m at peace I have a lot more choices, a lot more access to love and be loved, a lot more hope.
It feels better. And there’s so much outside myself, so many things out of my control, that feel like they’re pulling me away from that peaceful center. I choose to come back. I’m gonna keep going.
www.livingeveryminuteofit.com
