I Gotta vs. I Get To

Some days I wake up and it’s like “NFW,” even before 7am.  Like just, “No way.”  Like I want to go on strike from my life.  And then the “I gotta” kicks in and kind of whips me into action like an old tired mule.  

Sorry for myself, draggy, bitter:  I gotta get Ax ready again, I gotta do this admin work again, I gotta freaking engage in self-care that I don’t even want to do because I know all hell will (eventually) break loose if I don’t, again.  

And all hell breaking loose might look like me just being snippy about the dishes one day and then again might look like me going out and licking a bunch of unsanitized shopping cart handles.  Or worse.

If I take 5 deep breaths or do 5 deep squats or say 5 things I’m grateful for sometimes, sometimes, I get to start the day over and remember a key phrase:  I get to.

I get to do all this stuff because I’m alive, I have a life, I’m not homeless or childless or partnerless or foodless.  I get to.

I get to do my work and take care of people and take care of myself and be in this world, as it is, right now, doing my best one day at a time.  

And it’s more fun, it really is, when I am doing my best and accepting that my best isn’t as good as I’d like it to be all the time (ever?) but it’s a heck of a lot better than it could be. That if I’m trying to take care of my better self and of others I have a shot at a meaningful, purposeful life.  

On the back end I’m gonna look back and feel like, “Ok I played the hand I was dealt as best I could.”  I didn’t check out on TV or whatever else just to make the pain stop.

I’m human.  I get tired.  I get grouchy.  But I don’t have to stay in that place, or ignore it when I’m in that place and just hope it goes away.  

I get to get out of it, prioritize getting out of it.  I get to give stuff a whirl.  5 squats.  5 handclaps.  A shower.  A push-up.  A long slow drink of water.

I get to apologize, ask for hugs, ask for help, admit that I’m scared, admit that I’m so much further from my A game than I’d like to be, that some days it’s hard to just show up and do what’s minimally required. 

That some days I really don’t want to get out of bed but I get to get up and do the day. On those days I choose to keep going, and if it can’t be an A day I tell myself it’s okay to have a B day or even a C or D day, because this too shall pass. We are in this together and I’m grateful for that.  I’m gonna keep going.

Love

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