Vicious Dragons and Pesky Lint
Personal Growth Triumph Alert: I was sitting on Brownie’s favorite formerly white club chair eating a late lunch of vegetable soup with white beans and garlic chili oil when I noticed that I did not feel entirely okay. Not upset or sad or anything humongous, but not blissful, relaxed, joyous, or even peaceful either.
Outside the wind was blowing, a chill in the California air creeping in. Inside was warm and well-lit, and my soup was the perfect temperature of warm but not too hot. Ax was watching The Cat in the Hat on TV in the living room with his snack. Mike was in the kitchen cooking up a quick bite for himself. Brownie was passed out on a pillow, asleep at my feet, nuzzling her lovie chew toy.
Late afternoon, cozy, not too long before lighting some candles, exchanging some presents, having dinner, reading, snuggles, and bed. It’s been a solid day Some annoyances and admin, some nice surprises like a friend dropping by for a masked backyard social. Mostly a lovely, drama-free day.
But I was uneasy, not okay feeling. And I thought: “What does Little Girl Sascha need right now?”
And Evie answered: “A kick in the pants!”
And Big Girl Sascha said: “Nope.”
And Little Girl Sascha said: “I want to know — Is this okay? Is it okay to be sitting here eating soup while Ax watches TV and Mike cooks something else for himself and we’re not even talking or connecting or creating a new anything or having any kind of Quality Time or productive time or anything? Is it okay to let Brownie nap so late in the afternoon? Is it okay that I like garlic chili oil in my vegetable soup even though my tummy has been being sore? (It tastes so good and feels okay, but is it okay? Is it okay?) Is it okay to be how we are, how I am, when I’m not trying to be better than that? When I’m not trying to be good?”
And before Evie could interrupt, Big Girl Sascha said: “Yes. It is okay. You are good exactly as you are, eating soup while everyone else does what they are doing. You are free to enjoy this moment as it is, as you are, and you will still be good and loved and the family will be okay even if, maybe especially if, you stop trying to be good or to make their experience better. You are good. Bon Appetit.”
And I actually felt a bit better, right then and there, and I noticed my soup tasted much better and the old chair I was sitting in felt just a little bit snugglier. I was relieved of feeling the need to engage Mike in conversation when his mind was on a million other things, or perhaps nothing, it’s hard to tell. I could let him do his thing, and let myself do mine and feel happy about it, connected even.
I didn’t need to be planning the afternoon’s educational activity in my head that neither Ax nor I wanted to do to feel like a good mom. I am a good mom. I am a good wife. I am a good person. I get to choose whether I want to feel good or feel like something’s missing, that familiar old not-good-enough-itis, while eating soup, walking the dog, doing my day. I could choose to remind myself I’m good enough all day, maybe every day, and feel it.
When I started, the thoughts that kept me from that place of feeling like enough seemed like angry dragons I’d have to slay. Terrifying, hungry, vicious. Now, more and more, they’re like lint I can flick away easily if I take the time to notice they’re there.
What thoughts are standing in the way of my fully enjoying right now as it is? Is it a vicious dragon or pesky lint? I’m gonna keep going.
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