Just the Tip/I’m Sean

I was talking to this newcomer the other day, Sean, who was about 18 months in, and, like a lot of newcomers, he was feeling pretty boss.  He had the program dialed.  He knew how it all worked.  

And I was smiling at him while he talked, him, maybe 22 years old having life totally figured out.  And I’m thinking of him as a kind of overgrown Ax type, thinking if my sweet baby showed up in the rooms spouting stuff I’d want someone to listen to him with patience, tolerance, kindness, and love.

So I’m listening, and he’s going on and on and then he’s like, “I can do what I want because I’m sober now!  I can do anything I want because I have that freedom!”  And I’m thinking, “Ok, that’s nice.”

And then he’s like, “I work in a restaurant, you know what that’s like. But I’m fine.  I don’t drink wine.  I TASTE wine, for my  job.”  

And that’s when I kinda ran out of patience.  I could deal with the puppy enthusiasm, the lack of humility, the lack of respect (I was with a bunch of double-digit sober folk who were also doing the PTKL thing).  

But don’t kid a kidder.  Freedom for sober folk is not wine-tasting.  Freedom is the ability to say, “No thanks, let’s get someone else to do this part.”  The courage to say, “That’s not for me.”

Freedom is being done kidding myself about who, how, or what I am.  I was not surprised to hear that from Sean’s perspective wine tasting was totally consistent with a sober existence.  I wasn’t surprised.  

I’m Sean.  

Not about wine but other stuff, looking at real estate “for fun,” then getting obsessed with buying a new house when our current one is great.  Taking on little “pro bono” projects that scope creep and keep me up at night.  Buying those corn chips “in case” we have guests.

And I know that everyone has their own path and all that.  Everyone can only be as honest with themselves as they can be at any given time.  Including me.

For instance, my friend Pearl has a lot of what I think I might want at some point, but am not really sure I could achieve without everything I’ve built crumbling to dust.  

She has a business, a bigger reach of influence, and a seemingly happy family.  Her life, at least from what I can tell on Facebook, is extremely fulfilling and awesome, and she is happy and super-cool.

So Pearl mentioned this mommy blogger business conference to me and I was like, in my head, “No way.” Because I’m not wanting to be in business right now, or haven’t been wanting to be because I’m putting family first, sobriety first, and I historically am not awesome at balance.  

In the past, I’ve tended to be a workaholic.  Plus if I were gonna try to make a living I’d get a law job, a real estate job, an anything but writing job etc. etc. etc.  Anyway fear, fear, fear.  Resistance, resistance, resistance.  Fear, insecurity, self-doubt, drama brain.

But, bit by bit, polling other people, it started to seem like a good idea to go to this thing.  So I signed up.  And then I got revved up, like oh jeez I need to brand myself (ha ha!) which is, not what I’m about.  I don’t think.

So. Today I’m thinking I am Sean, the self-deluded newcomer.  Like I tell myself that one option is I could take it easy, go or not go, learn something or not learn something, and then decide from there.  

And then the truth is, if I go to this thing I most likely will drink the kool aid and get into expansion in a realm I’ve been avoiding for a long long time.  Which isn’t necessarily bad, but I want to at least be honest with myself.  

It’s like, in college, when some dude says, “Oh no baby, just the tip is all.”  No one believes it’s gonna be just the tip.  Come on.

So what do I want?  What am I up for right now?  Is more always better?  Is an itch best scratched?  Are any of these decisions actually that critical?   

I’m in pause on this one and trusting, or at least pretending to trust, that the way will be shown.  What’s right for me and my family right now will reveal itself.  I’m gonna keep going.

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