The Pesto Sandwich Incident: Unsolved Marital Mysteries

First, let me say — I do not know the answer, I definitely don’t know the answer for you, and I’m becoming clear that perhaps there is no answer me, at least not one that will apply perfectly in every situation or under every circumstance.  And I also am becoming clear that, I am clear that, on the whole, I’d prefer, or rather, I’d be more comfortable, knowing that there was an answer, being told the answer, having confidence in the answer, and simply fulfilling my role or duty with respect to the answer.  It would be a lot easier.  

And the question comes up All. The. Time. which is why it’s kind of amazing I haven’t addressed this particular issue, maybe ever, in writing.  Until now.

The question is, hypothetically, something like, “If a person (me) ...”. Okay, okay, here it goes again: “If I am hungry and going to get some take-out for myself and I ask my spouse whether or not he wants anything and he says no, do I ....A) Say okay, and bring back nothing or B) Say okay, and bring back a pesto veggie sandwich?  Or some other item he’d normally like.

And then of course there’s the not being attached to its being eaten or not and not needing big thanks for doing something I wasn’t asked to do and many other factors, but for the purpose of debate and discussion let’s keep it limited: 

Do I do what my partner tells me to do, or to not do, or do I do some other thing according to my own idea of what might be better for them or for me or for us?  Do I trust what he is telling me, about his own needs and desires, particularly about his own needs and desires, or do I override for whatever reason — whether the override is well-intentioned or self-serving?

Either way, what dynamic am I creating when I don’t take my partner at his word.  There’s another factor too, which is tough, but part of me suspects I can’t totally trust my husband’s answers because sometimes I think he is “trying to be good” rather than trying to be honest.  Not when it comes to wanting or not wanting a sandwich so much but on bigger ticket items, like maybe where we live, where we vacation, who we have over for dinner.  

I’ve also known couples where there’s a kind of selfish competition — where the lack of trust goes the other way and each one keeps upping the ante of what they need from the other one to feel good because that base level of security and team-ness is not there.  At least that’s my assessment, probably incorrect.

So as I started out, I don’t know the right answer.  And now, thinking on it more, I’m more confident there is no right answer.  

Only love, trying to give it and receive it.  Trying to respect each other’s independence, take care of ourselves, while also taking good care of each other.  

Trying to trust that all of these goals can coexist, that our partner is interested in our doing all of these things and is also interested in taking care of the you, me, and we-ness of all of it.  

Each of us doing our best at all these things, all at the same time, all the time.  

I meant well with the sandwich, and maybe that’s the best I could do today.  And Mike said thank you, not “Why the eff are you bringing me this?” and probably won’t eat it, which is fine too.  I’m gonna keep going.