We Don’t Do This Alone

Something happened the other day.  It was just a normal-ish morning coffee, quiet sit, stretch, drop-off, and go kinda day and then, around 4:37pm, I had an encounter that suddenly stabbed at a very, very, very old, scabbed over, scarred over wound and then suddenly I was bleeding.  Bloody.  Like hit in the head with a bag of cinderblocks, worse than bricks, just floored, gasping, no thought all feel. 

And then I was down, in it.  Tasting it with dry lips and wet eyes. That place of fear panic pain in my head.  

No thinking just sudden wet coming out of the eyes.

But this time, this time it was weird because I felt it but I did not drown in it, I did not go under, I stayed at once in it and not in it.  Nostrils, maybe even mouth, above the surface.  

After the initial hit I could still breathe.  I could feel it, and feel past it, at the same time.  I knew where I wanted to wind up, safe and dry back on land.

And I said to myself in my head, “I don’t want to feel this way! I’m okay, I’m okay!” But there was this strong and unpleasant emotion pulling me somewhere I didn’t want to go.  

Pulling me, like in the old days, like it could have just pulled me like a riptide out of the moment and into the abyss.  The foggy scared sad mindjail of dark and small, out there all alone for hours or days, or longer. 

But this time I felt it.  I felt the pull.  And I said, “I don’t want to feel this way.  I do feel this way, and I don’t want to, but I do, and I know how this works.”

And I went outside.  And I walked.  And I dialed.  I dialed three friends before one picked up, someone who wasn’t my usual but I knew would be cool and she said, “Hi!”

And I said, weepily, “Hi I am sad and walking on the street crying but okay.”  And I cried into the phone while walking down the street.  Sobbed actually, making some noise with it.  

And my friend said, “Yeah.” Or something good like that.  

And then I said, “I’m okay I’m walking to pick up take-out and I’m sad and I’m okay.”

“Ok,” she said.

“See everything was good and then this thing happened and now I am sad really sad and I don’t like it and I thought about doing these nineteen other things to not feel sad but I’m too tired and Ax needs dinner so I’m calling you so I don’t have to be sad alone and I can just be sad and then get back to enjoying my evening.”

“Yeah,” She said, in a sympathetic and encouraging way.

“So ya, okay.  How are you?”

“I’m good. You know.”

“Ok, good, good.  Ok I’m at home now thanks so much I feel a lot better.  Still sad but not sad sad, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m gonna take this food in while it’s hot okay?”

“Totally.”

“Ok thanks!”

“Yup all good.  Love you bye.”

“Love you, bye!”

And then I went in and had a lovely dinner with my family, right here on earth above ground and grateful.  Thank you friends.  I could do all this without you but I’m so glad I don’t have to.  I’m gonna keep going.

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