On the Heal

I got off track with the blogging and I couldn’t figure out why.  Why? Why?  Why?

I thought maybe it was because I’d kinda learned one of the big lessons I wanted to learn from the experience — that doing something just as poorly as I was gonna do it was better than not doing something at all while waiting to become perfect.  The perfectionist, at least in the context of writing, has been slain in the process of repeatedly putting my stuff out there and seeing no resulting catastrophes.  No one has reported illness due to reading me.  I haven’t perished with embarrassment and shame.  So far, I haven’t been shunned from society.  So cool.

The other lesson for me in doing this blog thing, which I didn’t know I was going to get, is that writing and being read feels really good.  It feels great to know that someone read what I wrote and it helped them in some way or they related to it or just, that they heard me.   So thank you for reading and for letting me know.

The other benefit that’s been pretty huge is the perspective shift, the automatic lightening of reality that comes when I’m in the practice of daily written observation.  Like I can see that it’s all story and choices and that I have the capacity to choose my storyline — every day, every moment.  How do I want to feel?  What do I want to do?    The one of me who is not a victim, a villain, or a hero.  Just a person, trying to have a nice time and not be too much part of the problem before I die. 

So, those have been my selfish reasons for keeping going with this.  And I figured out what triggered this last break — not that I’m done and learned all I have to learn from this path but rather the back spasm thing, then the Yellowjacket allergic reaction thing and the general physical shitshow of the past two months which has taken a disproportionate amount of attention away from the old routine.  

But I’m back.  I’m on the heal, enough.  I am making peace with the incremental-ness of everything.  The fact that I still need what I need, want what I want, and therefore gotta do what I gotta do.  Get to do.  I’m gonna keep going.

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