How Bad Does it Need to Get?

I don’t know how bad it needs to get before you change it up, get out of somewhere or some situation, some relationship, some pattern. For me, for some things, it’s needed to get pretty freaking terrible, and then for other things I’ve noticed pretty quickly that something’s off and gotten outta there. I’ve lost my way before, felt trapped in situations that were not good for me, and stayed in them, sometimes for very long periods of time all the while knowing, feeling, that something was amiss, sensing that I was not where I needed to be and staying there anyway.

Feeling that tight, locked-in, paralyzed feeling where I can’t see beyond repeating the same behaviors. That churn-y tummy, brain race, parallel thoughts in the head desire to escape and command to stay put all at the same time.

When I was in that closed-off, trapped mental state, the Universe could have sent me a life boat, a private G6, a message from Glinda the Good Witch fairy godmother and I wouldn’t have noticed.

I would have been like, “What’s all this freaking crap distracting me from the business of running really fast down a path I don’t enjoy, towards a goal I don’t want?” I was on permanent override of my heart, my essence, my truth.

So I’ve been thinking about how not that way my brain is anymore, most of the time, and how grateful I am for that. These days, most of the time, I take the time, the space, to tap into what I really need to feel good, today, right now, even under these circumstances – yes, even when this, that, or that other thing is happening – and I give myself permission to live the way I need to live to feel good, most of the time. And I give myself permission to feel good about living that way, grateful that I have found, am finding that way.

It doesn’t look the way I thought it would. It feels better than I thought it could. I am living a life beyond my wildest dreams. I’ve escaped. I am free. I am me. Big breaths. I’m gonna keep going.