Screw Chores: In Defense of Principle-Driven Parenting

So my mom friend Sierra read an article, which already put me on alert for some kind of not-okay-ness to come, and she said it really spoke to her. What it said was that kids need regular assigned chores to teach them self-sufficiency and order and something else. I’ll admit I probably fogged out because I am pretty against assigned chores. For me. For my family. And I’m also carrying a big resentment towards article-writers who make pronouncements as if this is the secret to having a happy, well-adjusted, successful child and that not following their advice is a straight road to sloth, drug addiction, and a life on the stripper pole. Like screw you, writer, you don’t know me or what I really care about. Stop scaring me and telling me all this stuff I have to DO other than love and accept my child and love and accept myself and let it flow.

I’m pretty against assigned chores the way I’m pretty against most specific rules rather than principles. I mean some things deserve a rule: Don’t cross the street without an adult. Even as I type that one though, which is so obvious and clear to me, I immediately think of several friends who probably do let their kids cross the street on their own. I also can hear the voices of other parent friends saying, “If you don’t let Ax cross on his own, how will he learn independence?”

Well, shit. Our kid is gonna learn independence by playing in safe places and being allowed to do whatever he wants in those safe places, for generally as long as he wants to. That means no checking in to provide helpful suggestions, no peeking in and commenting on the enormous mess he’s gonna have to clean up when he’s done, no gawking and exclaiming how brilliant he is mid-construction (though I’ll admit that last one is tough for me). When he emerges he generally will ask me to come see what he’s done and then I admire it. I wait for him to ask for help. I wait for him to ask for what he needs. He’s old enough for that but he’s not old enough to cross the street without an adult, in my opinion.

So what are the principles that guide our parenting? Mutual respect, kindness, consideration, patience, love, and faith that our child will learn what he needs to learn when he needs to learn it. Behavior in line with those principles is much easier for me to promote than a bunch of rules.

Ax heard me talking with Mike about the chores issue and he asked, “Do I have chores?” I said, “Yes, you bring your dishes to the kitchen when you’re done with them, you get yourself dressed for school, you pick out your bedtime books, you help clean up, you do lots of helpful stuff.” And he said, “Those aren’t chores!” And I said, “You’re right, it’s just what we do in this family.” And then he continued jumping off his living room tower of cushions onto a sea of stuffed animals and beanbags.

“Did you see that one, mom?”

“Yes, honey. I see you.”